Britain to be broken up and sold for parts

A spokesman for the business secretary, Grant Schnapps, has said he did ‘nothing wrong’ by selling the UK to a dodgy scrap dealer he met in a pub. The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards has confirmed the arrangement was registered and is above board and hunky dory. Mr Schnapps said he chose the scrap dealer because he offers value for money to the British taxpayer.

Mr Schnapps was introduced to the man in a pub by a man hoping to become the Chairman of the BBC, Richard Shark. The would-be Chairman insists he did ‘nothing wrong’ and the Broadcasting Standards Authority has confirmed the arrangement is above board and hunky dory. Mr Shark said he chose the scrap dealer because he offered value for money to the license fee payer.

The scrap dealer will begin dismantling the UK by next Friday at the latest. He has agreed to turn a blind eye to awkward paperwork and all that EU red tape. He insists he did ‘nothing wrong’ and the Scrap Dealer Standards Commissioner has confirmed the arrangement is registered, beyond reproach, and hunky dory. Mr Kray's yard offers value for money to the British taxpayer.

A government press officer declined to comment as he was too busy removing the editors of the Daily Mail and Express from his rectum.

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Zahawi ‘feels foolish’ after failing to notice bags of gold strewn about his house

Conservative Party chairman and all-round good guy Nadhim Zahawi has spoken about his embarrassment over the ‘schoolboy errors’ which led him to pay several million less in tax than was due.

“To be honest, those bags of bullion have been lying around the house for ages”, he told reporters. “I remembered to count the jewels, the diamond mines, the various companies etc, but after a while you just tune out gold. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s just an everyday thing. Bloody hurts when you stub your toe on an ingot, that’s for sure!”

Mean-spirited Labour politicians have called for the former (checks notes) Chancellor of the Exchequer to resign, arguing that he really should have known, to the nearest million, how much he owed in taxes. Supporters of ‘regular guy’ Zahawi have pointed out that funnelling shares to offshore tax havens isn’t illegal unless you get caught.

Mr Zahawi is philosophical about the additional payments to HMRC. "I can just turn up the thermostat on my stables and recoup any losses that way", he explained.

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Conservative Party to be bought by National Trust

'Most people don’t realise that the Conservative Party is still, technically, a live political party' said a spokesman for the National Trust. ‘We can’t take them over and install a gift shop and tea room until 2024, but the planning is well underway.'

The Conservative Party’s demise has been viewed with sadness by wealthier older people with 'quaint' views on race and a poor grasp of the lives of ordinary Brits. 'I got my first sexual experiences at Young Conservative dances', said Henry Buffington-Smythe. 'It’s a shame these old traditions have to end. I suppose young people nowadays use the internet. I know I do. It’s fascinating. Filthy, you know. Rimming, Mexican Pancakes, it’s an absolute wonderland.'

The current Conservative leader is Rishi Sunak, a diminutive character with a penchant for minor criminality. He’s unlikely to be the final leader before 2024, however – in the 'end of days' frenzy which has overtaken the Party, most members are expected to take a turn before the curtains finally close.

The National Trust will commemorate this chaotic final era with a life-sized cardboard cut-out of the door at No 10, with a hole so visitors can take a photo as the Prime Minister. This will enable any final Conservative Party members who didn’t manage to make it to PM to get their turn. Liz Truss has put her name down as she wasn’t in post long enough for a photo to be taken.

Image: Pexels | Pixabay