White House down

In the most damage done yet by an enemy of America, Donald Thump has turned the White House into a pile of rouble, sorry.., rubble.

A spokes-denier said, 'No, nothing has happened and everything is fine. I SAID NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. That noise? No, that's nothing, and certainly not collapsing masonry. And definitely not symbolic of what we're doing to the entire country.

'That missing entire front wall of the East Wing was like that when we got here. 

'Those massive diggers and bulldoz... oh for farages sake... it's the fault of staff taking pictures. Otherwise, no one would have noticed.

'Okay, okay, okay. Look, it's the White House, so it was a blank canvas to work with. The President is just putting his Trumpstamp on it.

'It's going to be the bigliest most decadent ballsup... I mean ballroom... I can't faraging think straight with all this racket going on.'

An upgraded spokes-denier with earplugs appeared through clouds of demolition dust to continue.

'The plans for the grand ballroom will not in any way impact on the integrity of the White House,' confirmed Russia. 'Maybe we build safe sanctuary for underage girls, maybe strip club. Maybe we construct underground golf course beneath, maybe we build underground ice rink for next leader of America.

'Maybe Crassnob stay, maybe Crassnob go. Maybe we flip it to Chinese in prime real estate deal. Maybe we level whole thing for big Kremlin laugh. Whatever. How you say? None of your American business. We own now.'

Regardless of the outcome, until freedom of dressing up as a frog expression has been reinstated in Portland, the White House is renamed The Snowflake House.

‘Shaun of the Dead’ sequel ‘Operation Raise the Colours’ hailed as a classic

Simon Pegg’s 2004 zombie spoof ‘Shaun of the Dead’ was an instant hit, but has been criticised for its treatment of zombies as one-dimensional characters with no autonomy, intellect or artistic sensibilities.

His sequel, Operation Raise the Colours, features an even more devastating mass infection event with a twist: the zombies hoist flags on lampposts to mark their territory.

‘We wanted to show zombies as real characters, you know, with hopes and dreams and ladders and flags’, Pegg allegedly told reporters. ‘These zombies can sort of speak – they can string a few words together, it’s gibberish, but it’s their gibberish. Obviously, they’re brain-dead, but they can still function a bit. And tie flags to lampposts.'

The zombie leaders are particularly abhorrent. The one they call ‘Nigel’ leaves a trail of ash and roubles everywhere he walks, and can make women vomit just by speaking to them. The rival zombie leader, ‘Tommy’, is a midget with a pronounced tic, as if he’s done too much coke. In the final climactic scene the two zombie leaders fight to the death, and are buried with full military honours, draped in flags – Nigel in a Russian flag, Tommy in a Union Jack handkerchief.

Image credit: perchance.org

Insomniacs looking forward to another hour awake in bed

With Daylight Saving Time coming to an end on Saturday, insomniacs up and down the country are looking forward to another hour lying awake in bed staring at the ceiling.

'I count sheep,' said Dave, a lifelong insomniac.  'I average about one sheep a second and in a normal night I count a flock of thirty-two thousand, four-hundred sheep.  When the clocks go back, the flock swells to thirty-six thousand sheep,' he said.  'When I get up, I imagine letting the flock escape to new pastures,' he added.

'I count illegal immigrants,' said Ralph, a Reform councillor, admitting that he counts one a second as well.  'I don't waste them like Dave,' he said, 'I add them to the Reform illegal immigrant watch list used in all our publicity.  That's how we claim nearly twelve million illegals arriving by boat each year,' he added.

Dave rubbed his eyes at Ralph's claims, not believing that his shared trauma could be used to weaponise their shared affliction.  'You imagine immigrants and use the results to falsify your claims?' he asked.  'I don't know how you sleep at night,' he said.

Image credit: perchance.org