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Trump says "we'll see" about invading Sudetenland


"A lot of people have been saying to me: 'Sir, Sir. Why don't you drive tanks into Sudentenland and annex it?'" President Trump told a column of White House press korps panzers.


"I don't know where they got that idea from, but we'll see.


"They're saying: 'Sir, you could bomb it and then Jared could build condos on the land and sell them for a billion dollars. It'll be money in your pocket.


"Well, I don't start wars just for money - except when the price is right.


"But if a billion dollars is what it takes to get me to liberate Sudetenland with world class Tomahawk missile strikes and state of the art country clubs, then I'll look at it - right after the anschluss between Mar-A-Lago and Austria.


"Maybe I won't invade Sudetenland and raze it to the ground,l after all," added Trump magnanimously, playfully balancing an inflatable globe on a fingertip.


"We'll wait and see what happens to those untermenschen."




Pete Hegseth explains hair superiority


Pete Hegseth, the US Secretary of War, has explained the importance of hair superiority.


He revealed details about his hair care regime in an interview with MAGA Mums magazine

He explained that the US approach is one of hair superiority.  He is quoted as saying that, ‘If you have substantial and powerful hair, then enemies will cower before you.  Especially enemies that are shy about their hair, and feel the need to wrap it up in towels, or conceal it under hats.’

Hegseth said that he had tried many different hairstyles, but had decided that the most commanding and powerful style is the slicked back and greasy look.  He is believed to have said that ‘Don’t-care hair works for me.  It says that I’m too busy with war plans to wash my hair.  My practical low-maintenance hairstyle, augmented with expensive hair product, tells America’s enemies that I’m one-hundred-percent focused on their destruction.  My big American hair will dominate your embarrassing and feeble infidel hair.’


Insiders say that the line about expensive hair product is not true, and that the War Secretary slicks back his hair with lard. This is because it’s readily available, economical, and makes his hair smell of bacon. The faint aroma of which helps to keep certain religiously motivated terrorists at a safe distance.

Hegseth wound up his interview by recounting the hair case advice he received, unsolicited (naturally), from Donald Trump. ‘The President recommended dyeing and blow-drying, but that wasn’t for me. And he recommended fake tan, too. The blonde hair and orange skin looks great on Trump, but that look doesn’t work for me. I’ve thought it all through. Blonde is too frivolous for a War Secretary.  I’m Dorian Grey.  I’m a grey area.  I’m the good and the grey.  Shiny and grey is the way to go.  Let’s make America grey again.’




Rural Gloucestershire warns of B-52 threat to tea-shops


Tea-shop owners in Gloucestershire and beyond are annoyed by the arrival of US B-52 bombers at RAF Flatford which they say are causing their teacups to rattle and, in some cases, fall on the floor.


Polly Smith who runs the Hippity Hoppity café in the village, said: “Our whole cottage trembles when they take-off. You haven’t seen or heard anything like it. The thatch is starting to lift too. I know there’s a war on, but have some respect.”


Farmers report problems too. “Our dairy cattle don’t like the noise at all,” said Kevin Barbour. “Their milk is not so much homogenised, as traumatised.”


The giant airplanes, the largest in the US Airforce, often fly low over the Cotswolds because President Trump likes the sound of Upper and Lower Slaughter. “Maybe that’s where we should send the new Khamenei,” he told reporters. “One minute he’s here, then he’s scone – we’ll let him have cream and jam before we Upper and Lower Slaughter him.”


Café owners report problems with another group too – airplane enthusiasts. “They come in, swinging their giant lenses as if they own the place,” said Jenny Martin. “But I’ll admit they did help with something. I’ve been trying to work out how many cups I’ve lost since the Yanks arrived. One of photographers said ‘does this help?’, and he showed me a picture of the head of the plane. Just next to the door were his ‘kills’, little paintings of my cups! I’m still waiting to hear from the White House. They were from John Lewis too.”





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