New statute celebrating Brexit to be commissioned

Jacob Rees-Mogg todays announces that to celebrate the successes the UK is experiencing due to Brexit a new statue is to be commissioned.

Plans are underway to get the UKs leading artists to put together their proposals - provisionally the work will be entitled “We have fun, but we get things (Brexit) done” - and is to feature a smiling Boris Johnson raising a drink to the nation'.

'It'll be very similar to some of the images we have recently seen in Sue Gray’s fictional historical romp', continued Rees Mogg.

The statue will include a hat made entirely of bank notes, to symbolis the £350 million a week savings that the British people are able to enjoy as a result of Brexit. In addition there will be a 'Brexit flap' in the rear of his trousers so that his bare backside can be displayed at Europe on the hour, every hour, like a mooning cuckoo clock.

The Only Way is Ethics dropped after season 2

ITV has reported that it is dropping its reality show The Only Way is Ethics after the second host of the show resigned in as many years.

'The show's producer, journalist Boris Johnson, seems to have alienated the hosts and it is impossible to find suitably qualified advisors at short notice,' said a spokesman today.

'So we are going to run without an ethics advisor going forward in all of our endeavours. To be honest, we don't think anyone will notice,' he added.

Wanted: Ethics Advisor, must have GSOH

'How many ethics advisors does it take to change Boris Johnson? Only one, but Boris Johnson has to really wanna change.'

As if being Boris Johnson's ethics advisor wasn't enough of a joke, a good sense of humour (but not necessarily a good sense of right and wrong) could form part of the formal job description. Employment opportunities for the ever-growing list of former ethics advisors include Keir Starmer's charisma consultant, Prince Andrew's diary manager and Elon Musk's hair strategist.

Being asked about a 'deliberate and purposeful breach of the Ministerial Code' was the final straw for the latest sucker. Johnson allegedly muttered about having 'done a lot worse' and the old mnemonic 'Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.' His mood was later lifted by the realisation he could get blotto at yet another leaving do.