top of page
Search

Why those MAGA baseball caps are so popular

ree

We’re all heartily fed up with seeing Donald Trump in his baseball caps with assorted children slogans on, right?  In England, we got fed up with seeing William Hague in a baseball cap after about a week, so the whole Donald Trump thing has been a massive endurance test.


Donald wears his baseball caps all the time – at work, playing golf, in the shower, doing interviews, whatever. He probably deeply regrets not wearing one that time he was shot – missed out on a lot of free publicity. Donald sells his caps online – official Presidential merch, just send sixty dollars and your voter registration form. Would you like gold trainers with that? We assume that he is selling lots of baseball caps to his acolytes, and we assume that he’s making lots of money.


But why are his faithful supporters so keen on buying baseball caps from Donald Trump?


Following an in depth investigation, and pre-authorised expenditure of sixty US dollars plus postage and packing, we can now reveal why those baseball caps are so popular.


The attraction of the caps to Republican Party members, MAGA supporters, MAHA supporters, Proud Boys, hockey moms, and QAnon members, is all down to the materials used.


The caps are made from all-American cotton and the dyes are from all-American chemical companies. So far, so good. But the clincher is the lining. Each official Donald Trump baseball cap is lined with all-American tin foil It’s actually aloominum, not tin foil, but let’s not get distracted. Whatever it’s made of, it is guaranteed to fend off any Cuban embassy like sonic attacks, Russian mind control rays, errant 5g phone signals, radio waves from Gaydar, and alien abductions.


This also explains, of course, why the purchasers are so keen to wear them, even though it makes them look like small children who are copying their parents. It’s because you can’t put a price on your health – even though RFK is giving it a good try.



Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

ree

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month.


Residents in an exclusive residential area in Virginia Water, Surrey, seem to have been targeted by a knowledgeable and highly specialised hacker, dubbed the ‘Pied Piper’.


Araminta, 21, said, ‘Mummy noticed that the lawn wasn’t tidy, which was odd, because our robot lawnmower normally does a good job. When we looked for it, we couldn’t find it. We thought it had got lost, or got stuck somewhere, even though it controlled by GPS and can text us if it needs help. Our butler sent the servants out to find it, but no luck. We’ve had to borrow a flock of sheep from one of our neighbours. They do a good job, but they do leave a lot of little presents behind.’


Next door neighbours Arabella and Annabella said their robot lawnmower had also gone missing in similar circumstances. In fact, they had lost three. They bought two replacements before realising that something was wrong. The third lawnmower had a tracking device which, after that too went missing, last pinged in Vladivostok.


Neighbourhood watch wardens Anastasia and Amelia confirmed that over one hundred mowers had gone missing. The thief has avoided all CCTV cameras, and there are no witnesses to any of the crimes. ‘We suspect Russian hackers,’ said Anastasia. ‘We’ve told our private security firm, and they are on the case. The best advice for now is to change your password on your mower, or to have a member of staff follow it around when it's working, or put it on a long leash. Or you could attach a Poundland logo to it, which will make it unsaleable.’


A police spokesman confirmed that the force took property theft very seriously and that they were prioritising the robot lawnmower issue. A missing lawnmower had recently been involved in an RTC on the A25 – clipping a Volkswagen - and it’s believed that the machine was on its way to meet the hacker. A specialised team has been set up, and the local paper has decided to call them the Flymo Squad.


The police have also called in a psychological profiler, a clairvoyant, a former actor and an old lady that does puzzles, to help with the case. They believe that the lawnmowers are being trafficked to Russia, where advanced technology is hard to get hold off. They believe that the Russians are either using them to clip their lawns, or that they are using the lawnmower chips to upgrade their missile systems.


The profiler has advised the police to look out for a well-educated and tech-savvy young male who may have OCD, likes being outdoors, prefers stripey tops, and may have claustrophobia. He is probably obsessed with Robot Wars, and his offending behaviour may be the result of an addiction to grass.




Jeremy Corbyn founds People’s Front of Islington

ree

Jeremy Corbyn announced today that, along with Zarah Sultana, he will be forming a new left-wing political party, provisionally named the People’s Front of Islington. “I think people are sick and tired of all the factionalism, navel-gazing and internal wrangling,” said Corbyn today. “That’s why we’re leaving Labour in disgust and forming a new party.”


The PFI promises an end to all the bureaucracy that so often besets political parties, but when Corbyn proposed setting up a steering committee to form a working group to look into this, there was no one to second the motion as Sultana was stuck in traffic.


Other policies are thought to include free allotments for everyone, provided they agree to the rota Corbyn’s drawn up for buying soya milk for the shed where the shared kettle is. Early indications are that the new party will be popular. A Mr N Farage of Thurrock said it was “the best news I’ve heard in years”, adding with a laugh “I might even vote for them!”


However, when a journalist accidentally referred to the party as the Islington People’s Front, the usually mild-mannered Corbyn angrily denounced them as “splitters””


STOP PRESS - There are already signs of disharmony within the PFI as Sultana said she sees the party more as an anarcho-syndicalist commune, and Corbyn pointed out that’s a completely different film.




bottom of page