A very popular store near YOU is closing SOON

A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon.  Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing consequences.

The closure is thought to be because the company is in trouble, or because the lease has ended, or because people don’t buy that sort of stuff any more, or because they are relocating to larger or smaller premises, or because of shoplifting, or because there was a cannabis farm in the roof.  The store is expected to cease trading later this year, or possibly next year.

We contacted staff members who were gutted by the closure plans. Jezza, who has worked at the store for a number of weeks, says that of all the minimum wage jobs he’s had, this is definitely one of them. He asked us not to mention the company products stuffed up his jumper, and said that he’d been asked to take them home for testing.

We contacted the company for comment, but their company policy is not to comment.   They did, however, comment that they have lots of branches and that there will still be a number of stores nearby.   They also said that store closures do happen fairly frequently, and the local media’s obsession with running stories about them was driving everyone at the company slightly nuts.

Colin, a shopper who has lived locally for 70 years, says that he is a big fan of the company’s products and that he finds them very useful.  He used to shop at the store every day, up until the restraining order. He says that the journey to the next nearest store is not difficult, although he can’t shop there either, for reasons that he wouldn’t disclose.

Photo by Bruce Williamson on Unsplash

RyanAir to Carry British Nuclear Bombs

At this week's NATO Summit, Sir Keir Starmer announced that RyanAir had been chosen to carry and potentially deliver the UK's airborne nuclear arsenal as part of the group's response to developing threats.

'Ordinarily we would use the RAF,' said the Prime Minister at the talks in The Netherlands, 'however, following a competitive tendering process and an evaluation of operational capability, we felt outsourcing the delivery mechanism was a prudent decision. RyanAir are already skilled in causing airborne misery to countless thousands, so this is simply business as usual for them.'

At their headquarters just outside Dublin, RyanAir CEO Michael O'Leary was delighted with the news, telling reporters, 'Today, not only do Ireland join the Nuclear Powers of the world, but we do it at a fraction of the cost of the Manhattan Project. Now we've got the contract, we've also informed Westminster that the costs will increase, as when we've measured the bombs in question, they don't fully fit in the sizer.

'So there is an excess fee for carrying them. The UK and US Governments have also already shared possible targets with us, and if we drop a bomb within 100 miles of them, we'll claim it as a direct hit.'

Photo by Wolfgang Weiser on Unsplash

Shroud of Turin confirmed to be British man’s bath towel

Scientists have authenticated the religious relic proposed to be the burial shroud of Christ to be a British man’s threadbare bath towel.

The Roman Catholic Church are keeping a low profile concerning reports that the cloth possessing a haunting image ingrained in the fabric, and revered to be the covering placed over Jesus’s body, is actually a minging ancient bath towel once belonging to a grotty bloke from Barnsley.

Confirmed owner, Eric Booth commented: 'Museums are giving back all the stuff they’ve looted from other countries and I want mine. My towel was nicked off us washing line donkey’s years ago and i’ve been using a tea towel ever since it disappeared. It takes bloody ages to get dry.'

While acknowledging the Barnsley bather’s ownership, authorities at the Chapel of the Holy Shroud where the relic is drying are reluctant to part with the artefact.

Head of Sacred Laundry, Cardinal Vespa explained: 'It’s not just about the millions we rake in year after year from visitors and tourists, followers of Christ believe this to be burial covering bearing the actual image of the Son of Gad. If it returns to Yorkshire, Mr Booth will be inundated with pilgrims to watch him use the sacred towel to… well, I shudder to think!'

Booth replied: 'Bloody hell! On second thoughts, they can just buy me a new one from Home Bargains.'

Photo by Sven Mieke on Unsplash