Chelsea Football Club has been granted special, unique status following a fourth consecutive cup final win avoidance.
FA Executive Ron Mann confirmed, 'Starting next season, Chelsea will be proactively encouraged to not compete in further FA Cup matches. It's for their own good.'
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In an unexpected move, Sam Battle and Keir Starmer are to swap jobs.
Sam Battle, who underscored his musical talent at Eurovision, will take over as Prime Minister next week. Commentators say that he will bring a tremendous energy and enthusiasm to the role, which Keir Starmer has been unable to harness. He has said that he will continue to wear his trademark pink boiler suit for the duration of his premiership. He said that his main goal would be to ‘not make any U-turns’. He dismissed the suggestion that he would be known as ‘Look Mum, No Policies’ as frivolous. He added, 'I couldn't do any worse than Keir, could I?'
Keir Starmer, who has underscored as Labour party leader and PM, will be Britain’s Eurovision entry for 2027. In a statement, he said that he understood the importance of music to Britain and to the British economy. He said that he was disappointed with the poor result this year, which he attributed to the cost of living, the price of energy, international bond markets and the rise of Reform. He felt that Things Could Only Get Better and that he would be taking advice from Angela Rayner, as she could probably give a decent performance of Bangaranga, given the chance. He said that he would be judged by results, and that he was aiming to score at least two points. He added, 'I couldn't do any worse than Sam, could I?'
image from Grok
It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.
The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.
He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.
The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.
The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.
A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.
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