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More bizarre ramblings today in a White House press briefing. Trump announced he intends to run for the Presidency of FIFA next year while also hinting he can easily fit the job in alongside his intended third term as tinpot dictator of the free world.


'Time for Jaa-neee to go,' said the megalomaniacal commander in chief.  'I gave him a chance to make us both a lot of money. Not to mention extended members of my family, too. Lots of money. Helluva lot of money. But he lost his nerve. He blew it. He chickened out. He's a sad guy. So sad. A low intelligence person. He's a loser. A lot of people tell me that. Now I'll be going to that vote session next year and along with some hand-picked ICE guys we'll get the job done. No need for a vote at all.


'You know,' further mused the strangely ochre-tinted walking disaster, 'I like soccer ball. It's kinda neat but what we want in the game is more pazazz. Cheerleaders, short skirts and pompoms. And hotdog guys on the sidelines. That would put such a badly failing game on map. As president I'll create a world series with maybe just four US sides taking part. All the other countries' teams can have time off. That'd be swell. As a matter of fact, you know...'


Trump never finished his remarks as at that moment a nurse with a Big Mac dangling from a fishing rod entered the Oval Office and enticed from the room.




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Following their bravura appearance at the World Cup Final – which included Animal making out with Madonna off-camera – FIFA has confirmed that its current head, Gianni Infantino, is to be replaced by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show.


Infantino’s position had become untenable after his scheme to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors met with widespread criticism.


It is the first time the organisation has had shared leadership and the first time the body has been co-led by a female. It is also, of course, the first time the organisation has been led by a frog and a pig.


Infantino said: “I am stepping down with my head held high because FIFA has just delivered the most profitable World Cup ever. I wish the Muppets the best of luck. People have been saying for years that FIFA has been run by a bunch of muppets. We decided to make it official.”


Kermit said: “Thank you Mister Giannibarmy Infantileideaseweezy. If you’re stuck for what to do now, Miss Piggy’s stye always needs cleaning. How’d you like to buy a stake in that?”


Other members of the much-loved TV show and movies are expected to be given senior positions to be announced in due course.


Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy old guys in the box who heckle performers and gripe at each other, are expected to be offered roles as Directors of International Outreach. “Hey Walt. International Outreach eh? Last time you reached out they closed that Strait of Hummus again…”


“Well if it was you Stats, it’d be the Strait of Hernia…”





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Famous for his floppy hat and directionally labelled gardening footwear, the 80 year old mirth maker has finally stopped saying ‘Come ‘ere, there’s more’ because, quite clearly, there isn’t.


Born, probably, in Northern Ireland, Cricket turned his attention to comedy after a tour of duty as chief entertainment officer and Libyan go-between for the People’s Front of Ulster, and a short stint as bass player in Belfast punkers Stiff Little Fingers during the mid 70s, failed to raise the titters of approbation he so craved.


TV beckoned in the 80s, then quickly said, ‘alright that’s enough’, so Jimmy spent his later years touring the piers and clubs of the UK in his one man show ‘I was McIntyre’s mentor, don’t hold it against me.’


Paying tribute in a moving message on X, Dame Judy Dench said ‘No, I really don’t remember him.’





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