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'Hunting down and culling BBC director-generals is the one blood sport still legal in Britain,' bayed a Tory Party spokes-hound as the rest of his pack slavered and cackled at the fun to come, 'so we're going to make damned sure the next chase is especially gruesome.


'Tim Davie was a tricky one to catch. He was the greased pig of British broadcasting. We thought we'd got him on the Gaza documentary, and then the Bob Vylan chant at Glastonbury, but he slipped our clutch each time.


'The ideal person for us next to pursue and slaughter would be someone who has gained years of editorial and management experience at the very highest levels but who actually hasn't a clue what they are doing, and will blunder into any trap set for them.


'That's why we're pushing for Boris Johnson to get the job.'



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The BBC has been told at least four prisoners, released in error, are still at large. They are believed to be a crack commando unit, that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men were promptly released under government guidelines from a maximum security stockade . They are still wanted today, surviving as soldiers of fortune.



The four members of the gang are; John 'Hannibal' Smith, Templeton Peck (aka 'Faceman'), 'Howling Mad' Murdock and 'B.A.' Baracus. They are known to drive around in a customised 1983 GMC Vandura van, recognisable by its black and gray two-tone paint job, red stripe, red turbine-style wheels, and rooftop spoiler.



The public are being warned not to leave any welding gear unattended, and to keep all old yellow school busses safely locked away. If you have a problem, If no one else can help, even if you can find them, David Lammy is warning people not to approach them. Especially with your phone camera, he doesn't need any more bad publicity


Image: WixAI

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The ghost of Guy Fawkes has issued an apology for ‘all the f*cking fireworks’ and says that he would never have tried to blow up Parliament if he’d known about the centuries of shit bonfires and distraught pets.


‘Woo, ooh, ooh’ his ghost said, which roughly translates as ‘Sorry. Please apologise to your dog for me’.


It’s relatively rare for ghosts to issue an apology. Genghis Khan apologised a few years back after DNA tests showed that he was the ancestral father of almost everybody in the world, though he followed it up with ‘hashtag legend’, which suggests a level of insincerity.


Bonfire Night is a uniquely British institution – disappointing and expensive with occasional showers, rather like a trip to the seaside. Some people are rumoured to enjoy it, but then some people like being whipped.


Last word should go to Guy Fawkes’ ghost: ‘Wooh, oooh, woooh, woooh, ooooh’. Exactly.



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