top of page
Search

God complains about 'mixed messages' in World Cup prayers


Mr A. God has said that contradictory prayers from football supporters are making his life very difficult.


'I'm getting requests for victories from all sides - England, Germany, Senegal, the lot. And some very specific prayers for things like a final score of England 9, DR Congo 1, or for Kane to score in the ninetieth minute. I don't know what that's all about.


'I'm even being asked to help get Scotland back into the last 32. I mean I'm not a miracle worker. No, wait...'



Image credit: NewsBiscuit archive

Fantasy author accused of AI sorcery


R.R.R. Stewart’s best-selling fantasy novel King of the North has been outed as the work of AI, according to self-appointed AI-Finder General, Lucius Hopkins.


‘I committed the work to the bath, and it neither sank nor shrivelled,’ said Hopkins. ‘In addition, I did prick said volume all over with the pointy end of an em-dash, and it did not flinch. Furthermore, I did discover the rule of three on page 666, where Mr Stewart speaks of “heaving bosoms, Magick wands, and Large Language Models”.


Cod Latin Inc., R.R.R. Stewart’s publisher, vehemently denies Mr Hopkins’ accusations, but has removed all copies of the work from bookshops. On social media, the author said, ‘I know this looks bad guys, but honestly, it's just another generic fantasy novel!’



World Snooker to introduce compulsory hydration breaks


Taking hydration breaks in sport has been popularised by the World Cup.  Although football matches are defined as being 90 minutes long, played in two halves of equal length, FIFA agreed to amend the format in the interests of player welfare and ad revenue.  Mostly the latter.  World Cup matches in 2026 were played in four halves, with each of the original halves halved again.


The snooker authorities are following FIFA’s lead.  Snooker players are under the lights for even longer than a football match.  Keeping hydrated, or at least well-lubricated, is important to ensure that the players can give their best.


A spokesman said, ‘The conditions at the big tournaments can be quite arid.  The Crucible has fierce air conditioning which can dry you out.  And there’s a lot of chalk dust around.  Players need to be well lubricated – it’s basic elf and safety, really.’


World Darts is also looking at the benefits of everyone – players and fans - being well lubricated.  ‘The venues are often hot, and players can get overheated thinking about the best way to go out, how to rouse the crowd, or how to diss their opponents.  And some of those darts are actually quite heavy, so it’s understandable that the players can sweat a lot.  We need to role model good behaviour, and we’ll be introducing lubrication, sorry, hydration breaks in all future matches.  We reckon it’ll help bar takings a lot.  We won’t be offering fans tap water, just fancy mineral waters (good profit margin) and Fosters, which is practically water anyway.  So, thanks, FIFA – good call.’



bottom of page