MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

The BBC has announced that a new series of MasterChef will go ahead despite the huge controversies surrounding the presenters of the cookery show.

A press release states that "once the current edition ends, the only thing viewers will see in the next season will be forks, knives, the occasional spoon and someone in the background shouting 'That is sensational".

Recipes with potential innuendo, such as aubergine delight, sausage frenzy and coq au anything, have been banned by programme maker Banijay.

Judge John Torode will be replaced by a robot (“no one will notice”, an insider insisted) while an illegitimate son of Donald Trump will step in for Gregg Wallace to do background criticism.

“We think this is the way forward for the hugely popular show,” said a MasterChef spokeswoman.

“Concentrating on cutlery has been a long-held ambition of the show. We’re so glad we can do that now.”

Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series

The BBC has found another two highly under qualified men to present yet another jokey blokey travel show.

Foreign Secretary David Lammy and US Vice President JD Vance will, however, avoid more fishing trips unless they are fishing for drowned refugees in the Channel.

A BBC intern reflexively began apologising 'The BBC are very sorry that - what is it this time - oh, that Nigel Farage is not a semi-permanent guest on this show. Would a third buffoon tip things into top gear?'

'Anyway, look on the bright side. If Lammy and Vance are antiquing in Leicestershire, kite surfing in Dorset or picking up conversational Mandarin at a forced labour camp in Xinjiang, at least we're keeping them away from their day jobs and thus keeping the world a little safer.'

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Preparations for the new Premier League season are almost complete for television pundits and most are agreed that the pre-season friendly matches have, yet again, been either 'unbelievable', 'fantastic' or 'unbelievably fantastic'. 

Opinions are divided on whether Liverpool's transfer business will enable them to retain the league title, whether Manchester United will be less useless than last year and whether Arsenal finally buying a striker will make them less Spursy.  However, the potential use of any other superlatives to describe good players playing well this season was described as 'unbelievable'.

Despite reported rumours of words such as wonderful and memorable being introduced for the new season, it is understood that no additions were made to the commentators' vocabulary during the summer.  On the contrary, pre-season training has concentrated on strengthening the use of the existing structures and patterns of speech to make best use of the existing words.  However, Ally McCoist can still only say unbelievable or fantastic about the beautiful game, and not unbelievably fantastic.  Apparently there is no chance whatsoever of him ever mastering fantastically unbelievable.

Gary Neville meanwhile, is said to be working on the judicious use of 'sensational' during his post-match analysis to describe an obdurate defender kicking a tricky, creative winger right up in the air.  But if such a significant change to his delivery doesn't work first time, he is prepared to go back to the tried and trusted 'unbelievable'.