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Having proved his talent for deadpan comedy in the recent Naked Gun remake, Liam Neeson has said he would be interested in remaking his most famous film, Schindler's List, in a similar style.


A leaked early draft of the script opens with a scene in which senior Nazis gather at Wannsee near Berlin to discuss the details of the 'final solution'. Suddenly, the man serving them tea pulls off a mask and reveals himself to be Oskar Schindler, who promptly beats them all up, revealing an unexpected orange Mohican underneath Himmler's SS helmet.


His identity exposed, he decides instead to impersonate Italian diplomat Enrico Palazzo. While meeting Hitler in this disguise at the Reich Chancellery, he ends up stabbing the Japanese fighting fish presented to Hitler by Emperor Hirohito with the priceless samurai pen he also gave him.


Returning to Hitler's office that night, he attempts to search it without leaving any trace of his presence, but instead ends up destroying countless valuable looted works of art and setting the office on fire, accompanied by a comedy piano soundtrack.


Throughout the film his sidekick Goldberg keeps getting into all sorts of scrapes, at one point accidentally getting on a train heading east into Poland, though the film never quite explains what happens to him after that.


The final scene takes place at the 1936 Munich Olympics, where Schindler disguises himself as an umpire to get close enough to Hitler to assassinate him. When a friend recognises him and says he can't seriously expect to get away with it, he replies 'I am serious. And don't call me Schindler.'


Image: Wix AI was used in the making of this image


The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean you must be over 18 to watch it, but you can, some might say, still be under 18 to experience it on an island with Prince Andrew.


An unforeseen consequence is that Spotify and YouTube will be censored, but Mrs Brown's Boys will not. You will have to submit all your personal details to access harmful content, a bit like electing Starmer in the first place.


Of course, teenagers will circumvent the system by using a VPN. While Boomers will confuse it with Visible Panty Line. The dark web is set to expand, which is great news if you are an illegal drugs start up.


So no children will be safer as a result, but we will have better access to a Russian blackmailer of your choice.


image from pixabay


After the Barcelona football team agreed a sponsorship deal with an African country, another unusual deal is hitting the headlines. Astonishingly, the UK Labour Party is believed to have agreed a shirt sponsorship deal with Manchester United.


The deal between Barcelona and the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) will ‘raise the profile of the country’ and see Barça players’ shirts bearing the slogan DR Congo – Heart of Africa.


The deal between Labour and Man U will ‘raise the profile of the party’ and see players shirts bearing the slogan ‘Up The Reds’. Labour insiders think that the best chance of getting anyone to shout ‘Up The Reds’ these days is at a Man United football match.


The arrangement has been criticised by the other parties, who probably can’t afford to follow suit.  A team called the Clacton Over-50s Occasionals is thought to have rejected an approach from Reform.


Labour insist that the sponsorship deal is good value, and will get them priceless screen time on sports channels and, occasionally, on the BBC. The deal is thought to include free football strip for Cabinet members and free tickets to every match. They say that this deal is part of their levelling up agenda, and that a planned deal with Arsenal was rejected by some stroppy back benchers. 


As part of the deal, Manchester United have promised to promote equality and diversity, to avoid playing any away games in Israel, to ensure that match catering is from sustainable food sources, and to occasionally win a match, if circumstances allow.




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