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Reform Government to transform daytime TV


A future Reform government will lobby the TV companies to put some decent telly on during the day.


‘I have been selflessly researching television programmes during the afternoons’, a tobacco-stained party leader told us. ‘And the choice is pretty poor. There’s some great stuff on there – classic shows like Only Fools and Horses – and some wonderful programmes showcasing Nazi engineering – but most of it is home renovation dross and Australians with metal detectors.


‘When I’m Prime Minister I’ll need something to distract me during the day, before the serious drinking starts. We all will. So I will require the TV companies to come up with something wholesome, entertaining and thoroughly British. The Black and White Minstrels, remember them? Great show. Love Thy Neighbour – can’t remember the last time I saw that. Probably not ‘woke’ enough for the soy latte brigade. Chimps drinking tea. Top of the Pops with Gary Glitter. The 1966 World Cup Final. Skippy the Bush Kangaroo. Not difficult, is it?’


The move is seen as a vote winner among Reform’s base – incontinent coffin-dodging imbeciles with low self-awareness and frontal lobe damage.




Dr Who to get the Spielberg treatment with record-busting budget already raised


After the disappointment there will be no Christmas Dr Who Special this year, there's a renewed buzz within the Whovian community following news Steven Spielberg has his sights set on making the fourth big screen outing for the the Poundland Sci-fi icon.


Speaking at a publicity event in London where he's promoting his current blockbuster, Disclosure Day, the ET Supremo told members of the press.


'I'm really excited to be getting a crack at this and can announce we've now secured full funding for the project. I have a bank account set aside in LA with the doctor's name on it that's got six hundred greenbacks ready and waiting. The whole shebang marked for shooting, including all special effects and actors' fees, in a production that's sure to amaze existing and new fans alike.'


Six hundred dollars already dwarfs the budget of all three previous movies by ten times so fans are said to be drooling in expectation. It's understood the new production with a working title of: Dr Me, That's Who, will see the sonic screwdriving hero pitted once again against his nemeses, none other than the diabolical Daleks.


Mister Spielberg also shared this juicy titbit. 'The Daleks, now let me see, yeah, in their fifty-seventh iteration, will be truly terrifying with their voices alone guaranteed to terrify anyone who hears them. I have secured none other RFK Junior as the voice artist. So no need for ring modulators or any of that fancy sound manipulation equipment. Bob will just be speaking in his everyday voice. Which alone is enough to scare the shit out of a statue.'




ECB to clamp down down players having a life.


The England and Wales Cricket Board are looking to recruit a team of carers to look after the England men’s squad.


The duties of the carers will include tucking the players up in bed at 11 pm, all year round, and locking the door to their room from the outside in order to keep them in check. They may read them a bedtime story if requested to do so. Should any player manage to get out of the locked room, tasering is a possibility.


Said an ECB Spokesman, who didn’t want to be named after the week he’s had, and because no-one likes a posh twat,


‘It’s quite unacceptable for England cricketers, especially the captain, to want a life outside of cricket. Going out after a victory and getting attacked by a rugby thug is totally unbecoming of any professional sportsperson, and it’s just not cricket. One meets all sorts of reprobates, not just rugger players, at that time of night.'


Phase two of the crackdown is thought to be a potential ban on any contact with their families at any time during the English season or on tour, and no pudding if they don’t eat their greens, though the spokesman refused to comment on this.

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