Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse.

Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend said. "I'm not sure clicking the ruby slippers together will get us back to Kansas. I fear that it will just send Keir to the Epstein Island, with P-Diddy and the Child Catcher."

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Andrew Tate to be named Poet Laureate

Andrew Tate, better known for losing fights and resembling a startled sperm, has attracted attention from the literary community after filming himself driving a fast car and boasting about never reading books.

Britain’s current Poet Laureate, Simon Armitage, has been asked to consider stepping down when it became known that Armitage doesn’t own a supercar or any hoes (we understand this is slang for ‘ladies of a certain disposition’).

‘It’s obvious when you think about it’, a spokesman said. ‘Wealth equals success equals intelligence. Andrew Tate is richer than most of us, ergo he is cleverer than most of us’.

NewsBiscuit isn’t really sure what ‘ergo’ means, but we suspect there must be a flaw in the logic somewhere, we just can’t put our finger on it.

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Concern for all Dickensian-named Civil Servants after Morgan McSweeney is ousted

With the removal of Morgan McSweeney, it is not a good time to be a Dickensian named civil servant. Permanent Secretary Josiah Bounderby and Assistant Secretary Affery Flintwinch have been sidelined and rumours are that Anne Chickenstalker and Mortimer Lightwood are to be the next to go.

Lady Honoria Dedlock, despite her connections will be replaced and Horatio Pricklesnitch is expected to be forced into early retirement. Because of their association with a known Mandelson, Senior Principles Egbert

Pardiggle and Charity Pecksniff will also relinquish their roles. Obviously Wackford Squeers and Dick Swiveller are expected to go by the end of the week; they would just be a distraction at this point.

It looks like Tiny Tim Cratchit has kept his position, but maybe only till consumption eventually takes him.

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