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Cliff says he might be dead this time next year

In an astounding revelation, singer Sir Cliff Richard has revealed he's feeling his age (84) and might be dead this time next year.  Like many 84-year-olds.  Also like, admittedly fewer, 64-year-olds with the statistical odds increasing year-on-year until you reach 84.  Then, those that wake up alive on their 85th birthday have to admit there is a reduced probability they will survive to age 86.  But it is true Sir Cliff may wake up dead one day in the next twelve months.


Growing older is admittedly shit, but there are worse things in life.  Like a Cliff Richard concert or, God forbid, a new album.



Picture credit: Wix AI

BBC announces first ever AI concert at the Proms

The BBC has confirmed this year's Proms will reach another milestone, when on July 30th the music will be provided by AI, two Apple Mac computers and Sir Cliff Richard.


Festival Director, David St. Hubbins* commented: 'In our modern AI digital age this was really an inevitable development. On the night the programme will consist of two thirty-minute pieces improvised by Artificial Intelligence. We're all very excited.


'Quite literally we might hear anything. So you see, once again The Proms shows it is not the stuffy preserve of the luvvies and la-di-da upper classes. Au contraire, it's at the very cutting-edge of artistic creativity.'


When one puzzled reporter asked what role Sir Cliff Richard was to play in the event, St Hubbins said, 'Oh, well,of course, he's our fallback performer in case there's a power cut.'



Picture credit: Wix AI

New Hollywood film - Epstein’s List

Hollywood today greenlit a new film entitled Epstein’s List.


The film tells the story of a great humanitarian (surely disgusting paedophile?) whose list of names determines whose career will survive and whose will perish.


Insiders talk of a highly moving scene where the names are read out, leading to frenzied claims of “It’s some other guy with the same name”, “I didn’t even know he had an island” and “In all that makeup, she looked at least 16”, followed by a flurry of super-injunctions.


One particularly harrowing scene takes place in a shower, with the young actress concerned saying she may never get over seeing Harvey Weinstein naked.


There are suggestions that Donald Trump also features in the film, and that unlike his cameo in Home Alone 2, this is one film he genuinely didn’t want to be in.


It’s thought that if the film’s a success, the studio may consider a sequel to The Shawshank Redemption telling the story of Ghislaine Maxwell as an innocent woman trapped by circumstantial evidence, if they can find a way to write it that anyone would believe.


One possible alternative would be a film about Epstein’s suicide in prison, starting with the FBI planning when and how it should happen.



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