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Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

Controversy swirls in the aftermath of Glastonbury, after several music acts had the temerity to do something musical. Worse still, self-proclaimed anarchic political performers did something vaguely edgy, instead of three hours of crochet.


The crowd was heard to chant 'death to the IDF', which to be fair, is the one thing the IDF seem to like - and it does rhyme. This was followed by a rendition of 'f$ck off Keir Starmer' - started by his wife and children.


Others claimed that the band name 'Kneecap' is seen as incredibly poor taste, as opposed to Joy Division, which was named after a branch of the Women's Insistute. Complained one middle-aged journalist 'I've never heard anything like it before' - which is kind of the point.




Samaritans calls for an end to EastEnders


Samaritans crisis counselling service has made an urgent plea to EastEnders producers begging them to stop making the long-running soap.


A spokesman for the charity commented, ‘Recently we have been overrun with calls during transmission of the show and it’s just becoming all too much for our phone counsellors to handle.’


One call centre worker who asked for his identity not to be disclosed said: 'On sixty-three separate occasion I requested emergency services go to Beachy Head to talk down ‘jumpers’ following last Christmas Day's episode.'


So far, the BBC has yet to respond to the request.

British Tennis Academy to focus on “choking”



The newly set-up British Tennis Academy published its syllabus today, revealing that in addition to the usual tennis skills and fitness training, it will teach a module on “choking”.


'Choking is obviously a crucial part of the British game,' said Head Coach Mark St-Spencers. 'But people imagine it somehow comes naturally and doesn’t require my work. This couldn’t be further from the truth.


“Granted serving a series of double faults is easy enough in itself, but what takes years to learn is exactly when to do it. Do it too early, and you never build up that doomed anticipation and forlorn hope that maybe, just maybe, a British player might win. You become just another Brit who crashed out during the first week of whichever tournament.


“But leave it too late, of course, and you might actually win. Which would be… well, to be honest I’m not sure what that would be like. But certainly not in the British tradition of gallant failure.”


When reminded of Andy Murray’s success at Wimbledon and elsewhere, St-Spencers said: 'Yes, I thought you might bring him up. And yes, no doubt he was very good in his way, though I for one am glad I no longer have to pretend that I accept Scots as "one of us".'


'I was worried his young brother Jamie might go on to be successful too, but he seems to be a busted flush, thank God.'


Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash

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