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King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”

Following today’s Trooping of the Colour ceremony, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement saying King Charles really isn’t that interested in watching soldiers marching about.


”I know mummy used to enjoy it, though God knows the ancient Greek always looked as bored as f*ck.


”Anyway, I’m King now and what I say goes. So please don’t expect me to sit through this bollocks again next year, all this stupid marching about for no reason. I mean, they don’t even look like real soldiers in those silly red uniforms and furry hats. No wonder we lost India. 


“And don’t get me started on the bloody Red Arrows. So you can fly close to each other belching out coloured smoke, whoopee doo-dah. Do you know how many bloody times I’ve seen that? Either learn a new trick or let me enjoy my birthday in my own way.


”And that’s another thing - it’s not even my birthday, it’s my official birthday, which is a load of bollocks, frankly. My actual birthday is on… well, I don’t recall, but one of my staff will know.”


Soon after the press release was sent out, the King’s Press Secretary returned from a short holiday, saying “Well, the ceremony looked splendid on TV as always. Anything much happen while I was away?”


image from pixabay


Celebrity cancelled for doing absolutely nothing controversial

An unnamed star has been suspended by the BBC for not making any sexist, homophobic, racist comments, using slurs against people with disabilities or posting anything about Gaza on social media. No offensive remarks were made last November during filming for a new BBC show, the Sun on Sunday reported.


The BBC said this language was “entirely unacceptable and in no way reflects the values or standards we hold and expect”. The popular TV regular apologised for "any offence and upset".


Newsbiscuit has approached their representatives for a comment, who told us to "F**k off you woke C**k Wombles!". Charities and MPs have joined forces to condemn the National Treasure, saying they should reflect on what they haven't said or done.


The personality is said to be 'Deeply embarrassed', adding,  "I want to apologise sincerely and wholeheartedly for the words I haven't used. It is no excuse, but I do not fully understand derogatory terms and their meanings. That is on me completely. Now I am aware, I am deeply embarrassed not to have directed them at anyone."


Nigel Farage has stepped into the affray, calling on the person to educate themselves, and offering them a place on a course especially run for members of The Reform Party run by Laurence Fox.


A BBC spokesperson said "We hope they will take this opportunity to get to know the reality of ordinary people, and upset them”.



Download Festival Could Cause Air Raid Alerts

Leicestershire Police have warned that this weekend's Download Festival at Donnington Park could cause a great deal of extra work for the emergency services, as the volume of pyrotechnics used risks making locals believe the county is under aerial bombardment.


"It's always a busy time for us," said Chief Superintendent Alice Cooper, officer in charge of policing the popular heavy metal event. "We get a spike in calls from people's smartwatches sensing they've been in a collision when actually they've just been enthusiastically moshing to one of the bands. That also sets off seismic sensors, sometimes enough to alert authorities that an earthquake's taken place. Actually, the last time we had that was when Leicester City won the Premier League. The main concern is usually fireworks; like the year we had Iron Maiden play and had to reassure some of our older residents that it wasn't the Blitz starting up again. One said he'd been sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs for a week, but it turned out that was due to an argument with his wife."


Early arrivals to the festival site were greeted by police advising them how to enjoy the event safely. "It's all pretty sensible stuff," one reveller told us. "Wear sunscreen, drink water as well as absinthe, and absolutely no biting heads off any wildlife. It's a good job they gave us a leaflet though, I couldn't hear a word the officer said; maybe I need to think about the earplugs they recommend too."



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