Dr Who likely on hiatus for a long time

The BBC has confirmed that an expensive Christmas special will not now be shown. A spokesman said, 'Russell T has made the plotline entirely too weird. Fans will not accept that the next Doctor is a combination of Billy Piper's body, Tom Baker's voice and the holographic face of William Hartnell. Nor will they accept a cross between Kryten from Red Dwarf, Orac from Blake's Seven, and an openly trans gay black naked llama as the next companion. Now that we've lost the Disney money, the only part of that that's affordable is Orac.

'We understand that the production company confidently expects to receive new and passably decent scripts real soon now. They are apparently being sent from the future by true believers in the franchise. The new scripts will resolve all the current plot holes, bring back the Daleks in a form that means the can use keyboards, coffee machines and all sorts. And the new scripts will appeal to young and old, be scary but not too scary, and will have a lot less gay stuff going on.

A production assistant is waiting for the new scripts by the fax machine, right now. At least I think it's a fax machine. Did it just move...?

West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning

Accusations of misconduct by co-owner, David Sullivan, has created horrendous double meanings for the team. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' is less of a chant, more of a witness statement. Despite denials, Sullivan's claret and blue handsy armsy is cause of much gossip. Claimed one season ticket holder, "The Championship will be as a difficult to get out as a Sullivan clinch."

Loyal fans still yell, 'Come on you Irons!', while his lawyer quickly countered, 'Come on who? My client denies everything'. Normally the chant 'Sit down if you hate Tottenham' gets the whole stadium rooted to their seats, now there is a similar effect when any police officer asks them to stand up if you think Sullivan is innocent. Said one witness, 'The only tackle I should have to see, is the one on the pitch.'

Two year old "prick" shortlisted for next FIFA peace prize

Clacton toddler, Wayne Jenkins, has been shortlisted for the 2027 FIFA Peace Prize.

Rachel Meadon has been a babysitter for Wayne and speaking from her hospital bed, Ms Meadon issued the statement, "My god, that little ****?"

FIFA president, Gianni Infantino, explained the decision. "Our first thought was to give it to Donald Trump again but in the long tradition of the peace prize, no one has received it twice. So we spread the net a bit wider and we discovered on a childcare WhatsApp group a video of a screaming toddler throwing not only his toys out of his pram but also the pram itself and we felt we'd found our man, er, child.