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England footballers “must be sons of previous players”

After barely scraping past Andorra, a country so small it’s surprising they could find 11 men of the right age to play, the manager of the English football team announced today he had a new plan for the team’s future.


“From now on,” said Thomas Tuchel, “to play in the England team, you must be the son of someone who played in it before.


“It’s been standard practice in the film industry for years. They used to do a thing called ‘auditioning’, where they would take actors, even complete unknowns, and test them to see if they were any good.” This revelation had younger journalists googling to check if it was true, since it’s never happened in their lifetimes.


”These days, of course, they simply ask established stars if they have any children who might fancy giving acting a go. And if they’re worried about bad publicity, they provide them with a standard template saying ‘If anything, I had to be twice as good as everyone else just to prove I was there on merit’, ready to be fed to a tame journalist.”


This unfortunately spelled bad news for players like Phil Foden. “Sorry, mein Freund, it’s not that you haven’t been really impressive for England over the last few years. But your dad’s a plumber, for God’s sake.”


Meanwhile Steve Hurst, grandson of England’s 1966 World Cup final hero Geoff Hurst, said he was very surprised to get the call.


“Still, I’d been considering making a change from accountancy for a while, it was starting to feel a bit stale. Granted, I’d been thinking more in terms of insurance or banking rather than representing my country at a sport I haven’t played since I was at school, and wasn’t good at even then. But that’s the thing about life in Wokingham - you just never know what’s going to happen next.”



Kuenssberg and Mason Threesome With Farage Mannequin

The BBC Current Affairs department was thrown into chaos today when a leaked video seemed to show their former and current political editor engaging in a ménage a trois with a mannequin wearing red trousers and a Barbour Jacket.


During the seven-minute clip where the two worship the effigy and spend an inordinate amount of time kissing its posterior, both are heard to exclaim soft-ball questions like, "Would you stop the boats if you were Prime Minister? Just yes or no, we don't need your plan." , "Uncosted tax breaks that will benefit the wealthy? How can anyone lose?" And, as the recording finished, "No further questions big boy."


Head of BBC news Deborah Turness was quick to dismiss the scandalous film as nothing more than a damp squib. "The most important question to answer and that we will cover at-length," she said while wrapping up her press conference, "is that even though Nigel Farage didn't come first, or indeed at all, what does such an event means for Sir Keir Starmer and his Labour Government."



Gay bar closed for being woke

Following the news that an Indian restaurant in Oxfordshire was closed for smelling like curry, it has also been revealed that a gay bar has been closed for being too woke.


The Common Ground, which has operated in Manchester for over thirty years, has shut its door for the last time following several protests and complaints by a local elderly woman who has just moved into the area and had nothing better to do.


"I was absolutely furious when I spotted it!" stated Doris Crone "well, I didn't technically spot it. Rather one of my friends told me it was only twenty minutes walk away from my house. Naturally as soon as I heard I jumped on my mobility scooter and travelled to have a look and let me tell you I nearly choked on my Werther's Original! It was horrid to look at, lots of people I presume to be homosexuals chatting away like it was normal and eyesore Pride flags hanging outside. Turned my stomach it did."


Over the next few weeks, Doris spent all her free time (that is, most of the day) standing outside the bar making notes about what people were doing "I didn't actually see anyone kissing, but I know they were thinking about it and that's bad enough. Most of my family said I was overreacting and I didn't have to look every day, but I just told them if that lovely Mr Farage can spend his days off watching for boats from Dover then this is the least I can do"


After spending several weeks outside giving the patrons cold stares and occasionally shouting homophobic insults, Doris decided enough was enough and formed a protest. "It was easy enough to arrange, I'm a member of Reform UK, so all I had to do was to get the word out to all of my fellows. Naturally it wasn't long before they responded and the next thing I knew they'd booked a coach and were heading up to put a stop to it."


This marked the first of several protests by Doris's friends, which caused so much negative publicity and kept people away that the bar's owners announced last week it would shut its doors for good.


"I don't understand what her problem was, we weren't doing anything wrong" owner Quentin Smith stated "we're not even really a gay bar, we just have a policy of making everyone feel welcome, especially since the Reform council took over. But we just can't cope with our patrons constantly having abuse thrown at them, so we have to close."


Doris was unrepentant, stating "good riddance to the lot of them, the less people thinking we need to get along the better. I was delighted to hear that awful pub is now going to become a Wetherspoons. Sitting with all your fellow racists getting served by people on zero-hour contracts, there's nothing more British than that!"


image from pixabay


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