'Festival of Thatcher' to charge entry inverse to people's wealth

It has been announced that that the recently announced Margaret Thatcher Centenary event, due to take place in the former Prime Minister's hometown in October, will charge an entry fee inverse to how much money a person actually has.

"It's really quite simple" said one of the 'Festival of Thatcher' organisers "the poorer you are, the more you have to pay. It's exactly what Mrs Thatcher, bless her soul, would have wanted. We really wanted to pull out all the stops to mark 100 years since her birth, and this seems like the perfect way."

"For instance, if you're on benefits and want to come along it'll be £250 to get in each, and that's with no child rates. For the slighty more well off it'd be £100, if you're an executive in a well paying job £25, if you're Jacob Rees-Mogg you'd only have to pay £10 for a family ticket and if you just happened to be a billionaire hedge-fund manager you'll get in for free and also receive a souvenir bag!" 

Although not all of the events have been announced they are expected to include such attractions including games (including Sink the Belgrano and Dunk the Miner), stalls selling various Thatcher memorabilia starting at only £500 and finally the unveiling of a solid gold statue of the Iron Lady charged exclusively to the taxpayer.

"We're all very excited and everyone wants to do their part" said one local "One of my mates is dressing up as John Sergeant and letting people interrupt him and have their staff shove him out of the way."

image from pixabay

author: Garibaldi

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Dodgy salesman feels stupid now

Dave (34) is a salesman. He’s always believed himself to be adept at straddling the boundary between truth and bullsh!t, keeping his claims credible so he can close the sale.

‘I genuinely believed that customers would show me the door if I said something ridiculous’, he told reporters. ‘Like claiming that our double glazing will cure cancer, or generate limitless wealth, or telling a dissatisfied customer that their condensation is caused by immigrants. I just thought people had some common sense. Having seen the rise of Trump and Reform, I feel a bit silly now’.

Dave is one of a growing number of sales professionals (we use the term loosely) who have started to question their very existence. ‘How did we not know this?’, he asked us. ‘I’ve done sales training, I even read a book once – nobody ever told me you can tell literal fairy tales and people will still bite’.

Dave is now undergoing training in post-truth sales techniques. ‘The important thing is to have a hate figure. I’m going with “sash windows are woke” as a starting point. I’ve had some success telling people that sash windows cause pronouns. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what a pronoun is, but I know they’re bad’.

At this stage it’s unclear whether politics is the new double-glazing or vice versa, but we’re pretty sure we’re all f*cked!

image from pixabay

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Obese fans demand fat Dr Who

A group of overweight Dr Who fans says that a fat Dr Who is long overdue.

The leader of the group said, 'We've had a whole range of Doctors - old, young, white, black, male and female. And not one of them was packing extra pounds.  Tom Baker was quite chubby when he was in the Randall and Hopkirk reboot, but that doesn't count.

'A fat Dr Who would be a role model to overweight kids everywhere.  Which means most of the kids in this country, at least.  You've got to play to your core audience.

'We think that it could be approached playfully...the Doctor gets stuck in TARDIS doors, the TARDIS is bigger on the inside but not big enough, Daleks don’t recognise him on account of the weight gain, the Doctor can't use his sonic screwdriver with sausage fingers…that sort of thing.

'Other fan groups are arguing their own cases. Some want a Welsh Doctor, or a lactose intolerant Doctor, an invisible Doctor, a vegan Doctor, a Doctor with two heads and three arms, all sorts of daft things.  All in good time, we say.   All we’re asking is for Billie Piper to bulk up.’

Image from pixabay

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