West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning

Accusations of misconduct by co-owner, David Sullivan, has created horrendous double meanings for the team. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' is less of a chant, more of a witness statement. Despite denials, Sullivan's claret and blue handsy armsy is cause of much gossip. Claimed one season ticket holder, "The Championship will be as a difficult to get out as a Sullivan clinch."

Loyal fans still yell, 'Come on you Irons!', while his lawyer quickly countered, 'Come on who? My client denies everything'. Normally the chant 'Sit down if you hate Tottenham' gets the whole stadium rooted to their seats, now there is a similar effect when any police officer asks them to stand up if you think Sullivan is innocent. Said one witness, 'The only tackle I should have to see, is the one on the pitch.'

Two year old "prick" shortlisted for next FIFA peace prize

Clacton toddler, Wayne Jenkins, has been shortlisted for the 2027 FIFA Peace Prize.

Rachel Meadon has been a babysitter for Wayne and speaking from her hospital bed, Ms Meadon issued the statement, "My god, that little ****?"

FIFA president, Gianni Infantino, explained the decision. "Our first thought was to give it to Donald Trump again but in the long tradition of the peace prize, no one has received it twice. So we spread the net a bit wider and we discovered on a childcare WhatsApp group a video of a screaming toddler throwing not only his toys out of his pram but also the pram itself and we felt we'd found our man, er, child.

World Cup: Trump to score winning goal

Contingency plans are in place for Donald Trump to win the World Cup.  If the USA team gets to the finals, then Trump will be substituted into the US team for the last minutes of the game.  The US players are then instructed to make sure that Donald Trump scores the winning goal.  If the match is decided on a penalty shoot out, then the US President will take one of the kicks.

Trump has been taught how to kick the ball in the right direction, and to ensure that the kick is hard enough to get over the goal line.  His trainers told him ‘it’s like golf, but the ball is bigger, and you hit it with your leg’.  His handlers have decided against trying to explain the offside rule, as nothing about the President is ever off.  And rules are, in any case, a flexible concept.  MAGA supporters have secretly donated millions of dollars to pay off the goalie of the other team, to ensure that the President’s shot will hit the back of the net.

The Goal Scorer in Chief as he dubbed himself, is confident he will be the hero of the World Cup.  MAGA members are clearing the way – denying visas to key trainers on opposing teams, making the Iran team do day trips from Mexico, feeding foreign players lots of Bud Lite, that sort of thing.  He is particularly looking forward to awarding himself a winners medal, which will be much bigger and shinier than all the other winners medals.

When asked if he’d prefer to make the winning touchdown at the Superbowl he turned it down. Explaining, ‘The Superbowl is two genuine all-American teams slugging it out in a very American way.  As President, I couldn’t join one American team to play against another.  Not unless one team was from a staunchly Republican state and the opposition were lily-livered Democrats.  I could easier score the winning touchdown, but I wouldn’t want to divide the nation.  Not again.  But I am ready to win the World Cup for the USA.  It will be fair payback for all the effort we’ve put in to shaft the fans on ticket prices, rail fares and bottled water.’