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Trump hails the World Cup


'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better. You can use your hands, for a start. And it has billionaires, proper helmets and proper all-American sporting heroes.


'It is a tragedy that no other countries play American Football. Maybe I'll lift tariffs on countries that start up American Football leagues. I bet that the Heard and McDonald Islands could put together a decent team, if they put their minds to it. If you don't have any sport now, then the best sport to start would be an American sport, not some lame playground game invented by the Limeys.


'The World Cup games played in America will be completely excellent,' says the President, 'the bestest and most wonderful. The games played in Canada and Mexico will be rubbish, and not worth watching. America knows how to do sporting events – girls, fireworks, gambling, pizzazz, sponsors, ad breaks, majorettes, half-time shows...and me! What a great combination – soccer and me. What could be better? Remember, I won't be going to Canada or Mexico for any of those games. Waste of time. Losers.


'Sure, the ticket prices for World Cup games are high, but that's democracy - anyone can get a ticket if they have the money. And you're getting the best soccer experience in the World. There's no substitute for a trip to the US, some World Cup soccer, an encounter with ICE, and hands-on experience of the US Justice system. And getting deported, if you have enough crypto to pay the exit fees. You won't get any of that in Canada or Mexico. Wimpy countries.


So, why not treat yourself to a pair of Trump World Cup golden soccer boots? Come visit the US. Watch great soccer - stuff you won't see on the BBC until they pay me the ten billion dollars that they owe me. Forget your diet and enjoy proper American food – like churros, pizza, tacos and gumbo – all served in proper American quantities. Enjoy our famous top quality chips (that means crisps, Limeys) and our most excellent top quality beers, like (sotto voce: have Budweiser donated yet? Yes? Good.) Budweiser. And you'll find out how a proper democracy works.


I'm backing the US team to win the World Cup. All the team members are very highly motivated, because I've explained what will happen if they don't win.


So come to the USA to watch us win the soccer World Cup. Remember - tickets, money, passports, bail bond. And remember to take home some souvenirs of your visit. How about some Bitcoin, or a $250 dollar bill with my face on it?


Image: WixAI

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.


Sonny Rollins played with all the greats, among them Charlie ‘Bird’ Parker, Dizzy ‘Who bent my trumpet?’ Gillespie, and the pop singer Cher with whom he formed the duo Sonny & Cher.


A versatile musician, for a while he went by the name Sonny Liston and became a professional boxer. In 1962 he was the undisputed world heavyweight champion, but he lost the title when he took his instrument into the ring in Las Vegas later that year.


The blues was never far from his repertoire and he performed for a while as Sonny Boy Williamson, adding a pleading harmonica to his tenor sax lines.


Miles Davis described him as a titan of the tenor sax, a leviathan, a behemoth, a [runs to get thesaurus] god of improvisation.


Sonny Rollins was born in Haarlem in the Netherlands, but this was later found to be a typo; he was of course, born in the spiritual home of jazz in Harlem, New York City. For a while he performed with the Harlem Globetrotters and was famously able to score a basket from the opposite end of the court, while playing the changes to I Got Rhythm.


He made numerous visits to the UK and became famous for practising on a pedestrian bridge over the M25, the one just near the Esher turn-off. There may even be flowers, which sounds like a standard the great man would play.


Hat Tip: Deskpilot



Flies deny they have no common sense

A spokesfly has hit out strongly at claims that flies lack basic common sense.


‘Look, we only live for a couple of weeks, a month tops, so the complete works of Shakespeare would be a push, but we have artists. Oh yeah. Brian, one of my siblings, made up a new buzzing sound. Who knows what else he might have invented if that spider hadn’t got him on Day 9? Taken too soon.


‘One of these days you humans will . . .’ splat ‘Ouch. One of these days you’ll appreciate . . ‘ splat ‘ Look, let me just get into the garden and I’ll show . . . .’ splat ‘Jesus Effing Christ that hurts. I wanted to show you . . . ‘ splat ‘Look, I don’t know why my head hurts like this. Could you turn me the right way up please? Oh great, here comes Brian’s spider’.



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