top of page
Search

ITV unveils "Reform Island" as hot new reality show


"Our plan is to round up every Reform MP and local councillor, plus every other turncoat, defector and political has-been who has crawled into their ranks," said an ITV spokes-cathode tube, "and maroon them on an island to live in their natural environment. 


"Here, there'll no political policy considered too despicable, or any act of treachery considered too vile. Journalists will be frog-marched into a never-ending press conference with Nigel Farage and the first one to stop taking notes will be shot where he sits.


"Rule One on Reform Island is that Nigel never, ever stops getting attention.  


"Unlike Love Island, it won't be set on a lovely tropical island with palm trees and beaches," said the spokes-Kalashnikov. "but on one of those really grim, sodden outcrops in the Thames Estuary. 


"So why do we think this show will get top ratings? Simply because, like Love Island, everyone will be watching to see who amongst these treacherous cads gets to screw who."




Ajar front door in TV crime show nothing suspicious


In a first for TV police and crime dramas, a slightly ajar front door confronting nervous police officers as they arrive at the house of their prime suspect has turned out to be absolutely nothing suspicious at all. 


A genuinely innocent oversight on the part of the criminal to close their front door when they went in to their house, is thought to have occurred in season 7, episode 12 of the popular police procedural The Thin Blue Line of Duty.


'Me and my new partner Mike - a wet behind the ears recent police graduate recruit who is very nervous on his first day on the beat but whose dad was a legendary old school copper who bent the rules but got results - turned up at the door of Brian BigLord, a notorious drugs baron after a tip off about a domestic, and on knocking on the door, immediately clocked that the door creaked slightly open and hadn't been shut properly', said Shelly McBride, a sassy, streetwise and sharp-talking WPC who doesn't take any shit in the still male-dominated local station where she works. 


'We gave each other a knowing glance, and then assumed our standard acting positions to enter the house - me in front with my truncheon out, Mike behind, covering me as I pushed the door fully open and tiptoed in, fully expecting a chaotic scene of carnage inside, with bodies and blood everywhere', continued McBride. 


'But then Brian Biglord comes to the door and says 'Oh hi, I must have forgot to shut this properly when I brought the big Aldi shop in from the car a few minutes ago. Thanks a lot. Now what can I do yous for? Fancy a cuppa? Lisa, its the local coppers - put the kettle on, lovely will you?'


'That just tops a confounding week for me', said McBride. 'Yesterday, I went to a suspect's house, and for the first time ever, sent a colleague round the back of the house to keep guard before I knocked on the front door.'


'When the suspect inevitably tried to scarper out the back when they saw it was the police, we were right there to nick him without having to do a 10 minute chase through a load of gardens, and where he knocks over a load of bins right into my path to slow me down just enough so he has time to climb over a large wall and then laugh at me as I get stuck at the top of it and he makes his escape'. 


'And a couple of days ago, I noticed a car driving slowly past my house multiple times with 2 blokes looking closely in and pointing at me quite menacingly, accompanied by some scary background music. I confronted them and it turns out they were looking to buy a three bedroom house in the area. My house had been up on the market for ages, but these guys have just put in an offer of the full asking price. Result'.      


Old time Hollywood big shot: 'Venezuela? I hardly know 'er!'


Hollywood producers are waiting for enough time to elapse to greenlight some future Oscar bait about American troops who get PTSD - that PTSD coming courtesy of the upcoming omnishambles in Venezuela and/or Greenland. 


Working titles so far include 'The Venezuelan Candidate', 'Orinoc-oh-no!' and 'Nuuk whose talking' and the racier 'Is that a Nobel Peace Prize in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me'. Others in development are 'Crackers in Caracas' and its Cuban focused sequel 'Crackers in Caracas 2: Are you Havana laugh?' plus an unexpectedly gritty franchise reboot with 'Grease 3: Greased up by the stolen oil of Venezuela'.


Elon Musk's AI fan bot Grok has already declared these Donald Trump worship pieces as a 'Triumph of the Will'

Trump's own IMDB page already includes The Apprentice, Home Alone 2 and a life long performance art piece entitled 'Entitled', where he plays the role of a fascist paedophile, who faces no consequences for his actions.


bottom of page