Crystal Palace stripped of FA Cup

The Football Association has taken the FA Cup back from previous holders Crystal Palace after what is being called ‘an embarrassment to the brand’. The FA have taken this unprecedented step due to the biggest FA Cup shock ever in the history of the oldest and most prestigious football cup competition in the world.

Macclesfield FC of the National League North are 117 places below Crystal Palace but soundly and deservedly beat them 2-1. Although many football fans found this very, very funny, the FA were not amused.

A spokesblazer explained, ‘We expect the FA Cup holders to be ambassadors for the competition, maintaining the highest standards of football artistry and entertainment, while heartlessly despatching lower league opponents so the prize money stays with the top teams. Crystal Palace dragging Macclesfield down to their level and then losing to them has caused irreparable damage and embarrassment to the association, so we had to act.’

It is understood that the FA Cup has been awarded to Manchester City instead. Not only were they the defeated finalists due to refereeing incompetence, but they demonstrated how FA Cup holders are expected to thrash smaller clubs, defeating Exeter City 10-1.

The spokesblazer added, ‘Awarding the FA Cup to Manchester City now will probably save a bit of admin in May too.’

Sam Allardyce to Run Venezuela

In an unexpected move, following the arrest and extradition of Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump has announced that interim control of Venezuela will be taken by perennial stopgap Sam Allardyce.

Speaking from his command centre in the main ballroom of Mar-a-Lago while staff set up for lunch, the President told assembled journalists his reasoning, 'I needed someone who'd clean up the country,' he said. 'What better person to do that than a man who's made his entire career out of being a caretaker manager? Though we call them janitors here, not caretakers, not sure why, it's a good word, good word. Big Sam is a man after my own heart, taking over failing organisations, and leaving after twelve months having sent them even further down. Smart guy. He's also got great business sense, knowing how to get around rules and regulations to solve problems, and he lets his son carry the can when things go wrong. For me, it's like looking in a mirror, which I'd do if I cast a reflection.'

In Caracas, the newly-installed CEO of Trump Industries South America (formerly Venezuela) gave his thoughts at his surprise appointment. 'This isn't my first time trying to solve problems in destitution,' He remarked, 'Remember, in the past I've managed both Bolton and Sunderland. I'm not too keen on the uniform, and it's a bit over-the-top making me wear my playoff and division three medals all the time, but apparently the locals like a leader with a bit of razzmatazz. Things here will be alright, just as soon as I can convince them to play 4-4-2, and they let me appoint Kevin Nolan as my Vice-President. My only big question is, given this is South America, what's the wine production like in this country?'

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Nigel Farage is the new 'Secret' Traitor

The BBC's hit show The Traitors is to cast Nigel Farage as the new Secret Traitor in the upcoming series. 

A BBC spokesperson said 'The BBC unreservedly apologises for... oh... sorry... force of habit. I mean we at the BBC are pleased to announce that we have added Future Fuhrer Farage to ratings smash The Traitors. Not only is Farage a natural Traitor, it also means we can meet our principles of political balance by having Nigel Farage on every single programme.' 

Farage was overheard complaining of 'Typical left-wing BBC bias. I'm not on Women's Hour or the Shipping Forecast yet. German Bight? German Fright more like. Now I have to go to Scotland, which I find disgusting as it's not part of Farage's Britain. Maybe they could film at Mar a Lago instead?'

'Vladimir Putin does like buying houses though - I wonder if he'll buy me the Traitors Castle.' 

www.newsbiscuit.com

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