Spurs seek open-top bus for “We’re Staying Up” parade

Tottenham Hotspur FC, having narrowly managed to remain in the Premier League, are looking for an open-top bus for their “We’re Staying Up” parade through north-west London.

Manager Roberto de Zerbi said it was entirely typical of the club’s current lack of ambition that, whereas such a rich club would normally finish the season wondering which European league they’ll qualify for, now they're overjoyed just to remain in the Premier League at all. 

The surprised manager of a rental company said he had a bus they could have, “the same one Arsenal just used to celebrate actually winning something”.

Asked whether the manager would make a speech during the parade, a club spokesman replied “It depends who’s manager by then.”

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/st-picturedesign-2171646/

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

A ballroom being built will now also include lots of things for perverts to do.

No one really knows why there will be a dance floor, as the wretched psychopaths who will be invited to the gauche annex are so self-despising and bored with life that they are only interested in shoving things up themselves and others.

The playpen had confused some speculators, but a pervert insider confirmed that is where the live food will be corralled.

An area to the side is the childbrain of the mantis scrotum responsible for this epic nonsense. There, workmen will be constantly drilling, because the mantis scrotum likes the sound of it so much.

image from pixabay

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

We honestly had no idea what Liverpool was like, before setting it as Gotham City, the most crime-ridden city in Yankeeland, the producer of the next Batman film told Newsbiscuit.

Standing next to the Batmobile perched on bricks, while the crew waited for replacement wheels to arrive, he went on to say “We’ve only been in town a couple of days, but I’m already liking Liverpool. Such a wonderful sense of humour the people here have.”

image by Gemini Google