'Campest crime ever' as man loots bath bombs from Lush

A rioter in Hull who used the civil disorder to loot bath bombs from a branch of Lush has been accused of committing 'surely the campest crime in history'.

John Honey (yes, really) was appearing in Hull’s Crown Court when the judge made his remarks.

'We normally find that men experience a surge of testosterone during situations like this,' said Mr Justice Gobshite. 'But not you, apparently. I suspect the closest you ever come to testosterone is sniffing other men’s underpants on washing lines. Probably drinking a babycham with your little finger in the air while you do it.'

'Frankly you deserve a custodial sentence, but I doubt even a women’s prison would take you.'

Sociologists also pronounced themselves baffled by his behaviour. 'We’ve been aware of toxic masculinity for a while, but this… we don’t have a name for this.'

After summing up, the judge sentenced Honey to be beaten about the head with a handbag, while wearing last season’s colours to make it even more humiliating.

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Pail of water melts Braverman

A pail of water falling from some scaffolding drenched Suella Braverman as she searched an active construction site for illegal immigrants. Unbeknownst to the builders, the water had earlier been blessed, causing Braverman to dissolve into a puddle.

As she rapidly lost corporeal form, Braverman was heard to blame immigrants who do not share British values for her demise. Authorities say there were no other injuries, and foul play is not suspected. However, a man matching the description of Robert Jenrick was seen paying money to a passing priest and then running away laughing.

The site’s string of accident-free days came to an end at fourteen.

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Altar stones were floated to Stonehenge, claims anti-vaxxer

With news that the Altar Stones, previously believed to have originated 'just across the border' in mid Wales have actually come from North East Scotland, many archaeologists are trying to work out how the stones, weighing several tonnes, were transported. Brendan, an ardent anti-vaxxer, believes he knows how they did it.

'For starters they didn't weight several tonnes back then,' he said today, 'the metric system is a false way of measuring stuff like large stones and didn't exist back then. The Neolithics didn't even have pounds and ounces and weren't taken in by 'weighist' propaganda,' he insisted.

'Also, although the route looks difficult, taking in the Grampian Hills and the Pennines it is worth noting there aren't any maps from that period showing the existence of these hills. It's clearly a conspiracy by the Ordnance Survey to make Britain, and by extension the planet, to not look flat,' he insisted.

'But honestly, why would anyone bother carrying the stones that distance when the obviously cyclical nature of sea levels suggests most of what we call the UK was underwater back then - show me a map that contradicts that fact - and the good stone movers merely floated the stones to Wiltshire, dammed the local rivers to raise the water level on the Stonehenge site and floated the stones to the top of the vertical supports. Show me one piece of evidence that contradicts this I say,' he added.

Brendan, who doesn't belief Covid is a thing, that JFK was killed by a lone gunman or that man has set foot on the moon also doesn't believe in Liz Truss. 'No way she was Prime Minister, what kind of fool do you take me for?' he asked.

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