Rioter inconsolable after different rioter steals all his bath-bombs

Nigel Evans, 32 from Hull, woke up on Sunday morning, excited for the day ahead.

‘I’d never done a riot before’ He explains ‘so I was buzzing all day. Really excited, you know? So anyway, fast forward to the event. I’d joined in with the guys, setting fire to a few bins, threw stuff at the police – I wasn’t completely comfortable with that bit. The others were throwing bricks, bottles – anything they could find. I still had a Ginster’s pasty from a petrol station we raided so I threw that. I felt terrible because it was still hot. Like lava those things are.’

As the day wore on, shops were ransacked, and libraries burnt to the ground. Then around three hours into the riot, it all went wrong for Mr Evans.

‘I can’t believe it. Everything was going great. We’d stopped off at Greggs for an all-you-can-eat buffet and then stopped off at Lush. I thought "Fantastic – I need some more bath-bombs.” So I got stocked up. I had to grab a bag to carry them all in but I left my 10p for that. Because of the environment tax, you know? Got to save the planet.

‘Anyway, further down the road this guy – Ken his name was – noticed I hadn’t set fire to any bins myself. So he offered to hold onto my bag of bath-bombs while I lit a bin-fire. When I turned around, he’d gone. I was gutted – I was really looking forward to a lovely hot bath and lovely soft skin.’

Mr Evans reported the crime to the police, and was immediately arrested.

‘I’m the victim here. I just wanted a lovely bath. It’s not the same in prison – they only have showers and that soap is impossible to hang on to’

Visiting hours for Mr Evans are to be announced soon.

Image: Pixabay/gefrorene_wand

Spending holiday time in Britain rioting in another town is called 'affraycation'

No one in Britain ever really said vacation, but somehow someone decided that a staycation was a thing. That person should be put on a permanent wallyday. Luckily, some splendidly clever chaps have come up with a new way to spend your summer downtime and it's called affraycation.

You pile into a van with your mates, go somewhere nice like Sunderland, throw some bricks at coppers, smack a few British people who look different to you, and the lovely police service will give you a free room for the night. AirBNP.

'I'm not being racist, but if anyone says hollybobs, you can lamp 'em in the hijab,' said a racist.

A leading tour operator named after someone called Timmy or something has cornered the market and is now offering shittybreaks. And R&R now stands for Rage and Rioting.

Image: Pixabay/Fajrul_Falah

'It's only terrorism when immigrants do it' confirms right-wing media

'No, not those immigrants like Boris Johnson, he's lovely and should be our leader every couple of years forever,' says the Right-wing media. 'You know who we mean. Yeah, hate them for everything. And there is no way we can be blamed for whipping up the hatred when it spills over into the good type of violence and peaceful rioting. By the way, here are some maps of where there are hotels with swarms of those disgusting illegal immigrant terrorists we keep telling you about, vouchers for coach tickets to there, a handy list of what you can pick up and throw, and a pullout guide on how to set fire to stuff.

'Everyone who isn't helping set fire to stuff and throwing things can't be a true British patriot. And anyone who gets in your way or tells you to calm down is also a terrorist. Your whiteness entitles you to your right to intimidate anyone who looks a bit Lefty. And it is also your duty to rage against those sick environmentalists because the amazing millionaire who owns this media outlet likes his helicopters, luxury yachts and private jets. And you would like all that too, wouldn't you? It's only asylum seekers invading your great nation who are stopping you, so stick it to them good for your country. Yeah. Fight. Fight. Fight!

If anyone asks, immigrants made you do it.

Image: Pixabay/StockSnap