Villagers hopeful about new bus shelter

Residents of North Netherwick, a tiny Somerset village, are hopeful about getting a new bus shelter, after waiting for more than 14 years.

‘We first asked for a bus shelter in 2010,’ says Joan, a member of the bus shelter action group.

‘We’ve been given the run-around since then.  First it was all about austerity and affordability.   Then we were fobbed of with promises of feasibility studies, evaluations, and consultations.   Then they wanted the villagers to pay half the bill.  And while all this nonsense has been going on, we just get wetter and wetter while we wait for the bus.  I suppose we are lucky that there’s still a bus.

‘But we are now very hopeful about getting some action.  It was the boundary changes that clinched it for us.  North Netherwick is part of a new parliamentary constituency and it’s considered to be a very marginal seat.   So, all of a sudden, the Tories are very keen to promise a new bus shelter.   And, to top it off, they’ve promised us a matching litter bin.  How exciting is that?

‘Anyway, we aren’t taking anything for granted.  Our campaign team are printing posters that say BUS SHELTER FIRST – THEN THE VOTES.   We’ve warned the local candidate that we like to fill in our postal votes early.  So if they understand how election bribes work, then they need to magic up that bus shelter pronto.  No shelter, no votes.   And they’d better not cancel the bus, either.

‘We are a bit worried that they will cock it all up, the useless tossers,’ says Joan. ‘Anyway, fingers crossed.’

image from pixabay

BBC News seeks new “walking around in the background guy”

BBC News has advertised for a new guy to walk around in the background during news broadcasts.

“Viewers often assume the people they see in the background are journalists, putting together bulletins for the newsreaders to read out,” said the BBC’s Head of People, Yolanda Kumquat.

“In fact, we keep them in a windowless room deep underground in another building. Scruffy, unshaven, living on coffee and cigarettes, haven’t showered in a week… we’d probably be shut down by Public Health if anyone ever saw them.

“So we hire much smarter looking people to walk around in the background during news broadcasts.”

Asked whether it was a difficult or demanding job, Kumquat admitted it isn’t really. “You just have to put on a suit and strut about looking important, holding documents you never actually read. We often use former Director Generals, as their experience fits them perfectly.”

image from pixabay

Office chair with jacket hanging off it wins award

An office chair with a jacket hanging off it was today named "Employee of the month" by a leading City firm.

"It's a hugely competitive environment," explained the jacket's owner, Jeremy Shirtsleeves. "You're looked down on if you go home at half five, even if you don't really have anything to do.

"Fortunately someone told me about this trick where you leave your desk lamp on and your jacket over your chair, then anyone who walks past thinks you've just nipped out for a moment.

"I couldn't believe how well it worked. I started going home earlier and earlier, until I was hardly in the office at all. And I still got emails commending me for the hours I was putting in."

The whole scheme unravelled, however, when the firm wanted to make Shirtsleeves their "Employee of the month", but when he couldn’t be found, had to give the award to the chair.

Slightly overstuffed, beginning to creak with age and showing a few threadbare patches, Shirtsleeves is a specialist in Asian commodity markets.

image from pixabay