top of page
Search

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability


Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb.


'Obvs we'd prefer a hydrogen bomb', a spokesmum said. ' 'A' bombs are a bit Tesco, hydrogen bombs are more Waitrose. Ooh, do you think we could get a neutron bomb? I don't even know which retail tier that would belong to. Harrods?'


Mumsnet got the idea for an independent nuclear deterrent after seeing how much Israel has been getting away with.


'Obvs we don't want to invade a foreign country or commit genocide', the spokesmum told us. 'It's more the principle. When we're negotiating better rates for piano lessons or asking the local council to offer free swimming lessons it will be good to be able to threaten to vaporise the town hall. We've had some modest successes with abductions and offing the odd official but we'd really like to take it to the next level'.


International nuclear watchdogs have expressed alarm at this latest nuclear proliferation, with one official saying 'We thought North Korea was batshit but these people terrify us'.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real


As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”.


“Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine whether he’s corrupt.


“But we all know ‘expert’ is just another word for ‘the establishment’, and it’s time the issue was put to the people instead.”


Early indications are that Clactonians haven’t quite understood the question, instead telling pollsters that the weather was “gawjus” and they might have an ice cream.


image from Grok


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


Touring mime troupe vanishes


Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening.


Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were still 'mucking about' when they went missing.'


Town Mayor Harold Mitten said that the Hear-no-Evil Mime Troupe had been invited to town for the annual Stokely-on-the-Wey Husking Festival. He said that the Council knew about the troupe solely through what they had seen on the troupe’s website, which contained only photographs and film clips.


Chief Constable Cecil Wheathrop commented, 'It was difficult to get a clear picture of what transpired because most of the members of the audience had lost interest in the performance shortly after it commenced.'


Mrs Jean Aintree said, 'I brought my children with me, and I was extremely disappointed to see that when the mimes performed the classic 'trapped-in-a-box' routine, they relied on a huge cardboard box instead of the customary illusion of a glass-walled box. At that point we stopped paying attention.'


Weaththrop added, 'Based on eyewitness testimony, it is possible that the troupe didn’t actually disappear: they may have merely dispersed; in any event, we still have seen neither hide nor hair of them, and needless to say, we have heard nothing from them.'




bottom of page