Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police.

"That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was.

"We can be truly proud that we managed to apprehend someone within two days who wasn't actually trying to hide from us and managing not to arrest someone else instead, like Mr Ed the Talking Horse, and beating them senseless in the Charing Cross station cells."

image from google gemini

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.'

In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.'

Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld.

Lucifer has been under growing pressure over his links with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, who was quite frankly even more evil and therefore more deserving of the titles.

In the statement, the Serpent said: 'I vigorously deny the accusations that I have done anything right. I am just as bad as him, and haven't ever done anything good with my life.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Now that Arron Banks has taken back control of our money, Elon Musk has taken back control of our laws, and Russia has taken back control of our borders, it is time for Britain to do the most important things it will ever do.

Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs. As well as being swarmed by sea, someone in the Party has noticed that Britain is also being invaded through the air. The only way to prevent this is to change airport signs to say 'Our-rivals and Deportures".

These policies will come into effect from next Tuesday, despite Reform not being in government and only having a Jacuzzi-full of MPs.

Oh, and all litter bins everywhere across the land will have plaques on them saying 'Keep Britain Tiny'.

Reform communications officer, the BBC, said, 'We don't know why we are doing this. Everyone knows Reform voters can't spell.'

Image: WixAI