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Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens



The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help them survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.


An RSPB spokesperson said: ‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’


There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.


You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.


Bill Oddie refused to comment.



image from pixabay

Alien who asked 'take me to your leader' taken to Martin Lewis





An Alien who landed on Earth in Norfolk, for that is where all aliens choose to visit first, asked a local human if it would be OK to meet with the leader of Britain.


Gerald Noyce, a rural dweller who is used to encountering extra-terrestrials, assisted the alien with her polite request. 'I definitely wasn't going to subject her to those headless chickens in Downing Street. I mean, can you imagine the shame of introducing someone who's travelled millions of light years to that utter shower?


'So my first thought was Fry. No, not Stephen, that lovely Hannah Fry professor lady. She knows what she's doing and she's a squillion times more engaging than any politician Britain has ever had. But in the end, the choice was staring me in the face. I mean, it's got to be Martin Lewis, right? He had this "trusted voices" meeting thing he was invited to attend, and he's done more to actually help people than every Tory Minister in history added together.


'He was really nice to the alien, didn't order any tests on her or anything, listened to what she had to say, and even helped her choose the best insurance for her spacecraft.'


Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch




A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.


Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'


When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'


Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.


'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'


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