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'My old man didn't fight in WW2 just so I'd be forced into having Covid jabs,' says total moron.

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


Barry S*ite, a moronic costermonger from Billericay, is still refusing to take government advice to get vaccinated and help combat Covid. The fifty-three year-old argues it’s a breach of his civil liberties and his inherent right to do "whatever he likes and f*ck the rest of them".


'My Dad and his Dad didn’t fight in two World Wars to win our freedom only for subsequent governments to tell me I have to allow myself to be jabbed with some stuff, that not only protects me but also those around me too. What's all that about? Daft or what!


'And anyway, this Covid is a load of old pony. It doesn’t really exist. I know that cos I have a mate who’s a doctor in London and he says it’s all just made-up to sell newspapers and that. Oh, and by the way, according to an anti-vax group I belong to on Facebook, just one tiny dose has more proteins than a dozen eggs and introduces three different types of nanoprobe GPS tracking devices into your bloodstream.


'If some bloody oldies fall off the twig then tough luck because that’s life, isn’t it? They’ve all had a good innings. Yeah? It means that I can get around the supermarket a lot easier without them clogging up the aisles with their wheelies, loitering beside the cheeses gossiping to one another about Bert having a bag fitted or Gladys dying last week.


'I voted for Boris to get Brexit done and he did, but why is he now treating us like we’re still under the European jackboot? Well I for one shan't capitulate to state pressure. I've never had a day's illness in my life. Fit as a bleedin' fiddle I am, mate.'






20 years later Grandfather returns stolen nose to child

Updated: Jan 3, 2022


Merseyside Police have finally tracked down the whereabouts of a missing body part – which had left one girl bereft of a nose for two decades. Officers found the stolen respiratory organ in a mason jar, in an abandoned cellar. The jar was said to contain an assortment of children’s noses and the pickled remains of the Tooth Fairy.


Having spent most of her life with ‘crime scene’ tape tied around her head, Cicely (23) spoke of her continued trauma: ‘He put the knuckles of his index and middle fingers on either side of my nose – and the next thing I know, it’s gone! I look like an idiot’.


The culprit, her grandfather, had at the time brazenly boasted ‘I've got your nose’ – but now expressed regret: ‘It was just a joke. Like asking my grandson to pull my finger. Or telling my daughter to give up some bone marrow. When people say ‘you’ve got your mother’s eyes’ – well I’ve literally got a whole Tupperware box full of them. It’s not as if it was a nice nose anyway’.






Luton man loses house after accepting "Legitimate Interest" of fraudsters to steal it

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



A Luton man found that his house had been sold while he was working away from home, and all his belongings stripped from it, after carelessly accepting the 'legitimate interest' of a range of companies to meddle in his life.

“All I wanted to do was to use a website to book a holiday” said the man, “so when a popup asked me about 'legitimate interest',naturally I clicked OK. I mean, I thought that sounded legit - literally. Then I when I came back home I found the locks changed, my life’s belongings on ebay, and my house sold for £130k as ‘an attractive two bed property in a desirable suburb, albeit with some need for refurbishment’. How dare they!? Apart from my life being in tatters now, we repainted the bathroom only last year, what more do you want?”


“It’s quite simple” said Ms Arabella Fortescue, of You're Fortescued Property Retail. “As estate agents, we have a legitimate interest in anyone’s house, flat, maisonette or garden shed, so as soon as you click “OK” we’re in. Just like LoanShark Inc has a legitimate interest in this man's bank details, and Rupert the smooth-talking barman has a legitimate interest in his daughter’s phone number.”


While the man faces a struggle to re-orient his life now he is of no fixed abode, he can console himself that at least he is spared the trouble of dealing with the several thousand tonnes of sugary foodstuffs that are already on their way to his previous address, thanks to him agreeing to “accept all cookies”.






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