Courtroom artist's rendition of defendant stunningly accurate

Readers of the Daily Express and the Daily Mail were able to recognise the picture of Danny "Fingers" O'Toole drawn by Sarah Robinson during cross-examination at the Old Bailey.

"Blimey, it's the dead spit of him," claimed Nosher Curtains of Bexley Heath.

Asked how she achieved such a fine likeness Sarah replied, "Well, I did study life drawing at the Slade. At first I thought that the sketches were meant to be unintelligble to protect the identity of those in the courtroom. But the Usher told me that was not the case. So I let my natural abilities have free rein."

Why, therefore are most sketches so bad? "Dunno, really. Maybe other artists want to get the reputation as the Francis Bacon of the court scene".

Image: UnSplash/Andrey Novik

Convicted terrorist takes precaution of being white

A Nazi sympathiser who has been convicted of possessing bomb-making instructions and a wealth of racist literature has been sentenced to a severe tutting at Leicester Crown Court. In a savage gesture, the judge was seen to wag his finger at the defendant for several seconds, while sucking on his teeth before suggesting that the defendant engaged in some light reading to think about the naughty things he had done.

Among the suggested classics he may have to read are Dickens, Austen, Hardy and Trollope, who are are all known for including characters of colour and themes of racial reconciliation. One local student said: ‘I have to read Dickens and Austen for my English GCSE. Are you saying I could have got the same punishment for promoting racial hatred and building IEDs?’

Image: Erich_rg/Pixabay

Bin collections to switch to once a year

There is uproar in the Britain’s leafy suburbs and shires today, after it was announced waste disposal contractors have been given the green light by local authorities to change household waste collections from a schedule of fortnightly to once a year.

CEO of French waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since you Brits sold off waste disposal to City spivs and wide-boys who zen sold it to us, our sole concern has been to make money for our investors. Zerefore from January 1st, bins will be collected once a year.

'So what, if ze householders suffer a much worse service? This is la privatisation, non? We make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft! C’est la vie, mon ami.’

A spokesman for one council wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Well perhaps this idea seems radical at first sight, but it’s one that will see great environmental improvements. For example with many fewer bin lorries on our roads our carbon footprint and exhaust gas pollution will be significantly reduced.

‘And even if some squalor-related illness reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay when you consider the overall benefits to our environment. And anyway, we’ve got antibiotics these days so what’s the problem? Bubonic Plague, should it resurface, will not be an issue worth worrying about.

'There will be no more petty squabbles between couples over whose turn it is to put out the rubbish. They will simply adopt a system of husbands one year and wives the next. All those tiffs of the past will be consigned to the dustbin.'

photo by bluebudgie @ Pixabay