Progressive Daily Telegraph to showcase brunettes’ brains

The Daily Telegraph’s main photo on A level results day is to be a group of attractive posh brunette 18-year-old girls in short skirts, hugging each other. This is a marked change from attractive posh blonde 18-year-old girls in short skirts hugging each other, demonstrating just how progressive the newspaper is.

‘It’s Metoo feminism gone mad,’ said photographer and noted pervert Warren Wright.

‘We know what those retired colonels like. The girls are all 18, so it’s all technically legal. I hope so because I’m already on the register. I was worried that Covid regulations would prevent these group shots - yeah, just like that, darling. Maybe another shirt button. Yeah, now, kiss.’

A nearby celebrating student Francesca Fraser adjusted her glasses before saying:

‘I’ve just got into Cambridge to study Astrophysics. Those two lezzing it up for the camera don’t even study here; they work at the shop next door.’

Shire Police called as Hobbit and Orc violence erupts at Green Dragon pub

Officers from Hobbiton Constabulary were called to a violent disturbance at the Green Dragon Pub in The Shire, Middle Earth after a brawl broke out between a gang of orcs and hobbits watching the semi-final in the Mystical World Cup being held in Mordor.

Sam Gamgee, a gardener from The Hill area, told reporters, 'I was just sitting there with my master, like watching the game, when all of a sudden this orc matey jumps up on a table, all body amour, bloodstains and gore, points at us hobbits and starts singing 'you're all shit with hairy feet, doo-dah doo-dah. You're all shit with hairy feet, doo-dah doo-dah day.'

'Well, that was it, and it all kicked off big style with chairs, bottles and glasses flying everywhere - total carnage and very scary. But luckily, this old chap, Mr Gandalf, had just arrived in the village. Next thing he shakes his staff and the bar's enveloped by coloured lights and the sound of rushing wind, then everything sort of calms down again.' 'Mind, I still feels dazed and confused after that and don't even know who won the game.'

Meanwhile, it's understood Gamgee's master, local celebrity, Frodo Baggins, is wanted for questioning. Det Sgt Ted Sandyman told reporters. 'I can confirm Baggins is a person of interest in this matter, but his whereabouts are currently unknown after he somehow managed to disappear into thin air during the fracas.'

Media declares Free News Story Day

The country's media outlets have welcomed the end of lockdown restrictions and declared 'Free News Story Day' - a day in which journalists of all descriptions can generate unlimited news stories entirely from vox pops of the general public.

Since initial lockdown, reporting has been limited to awkwardly catching passers-by in otherwise deserted high streets, with people's opinions kept at least one paragraph apart. However, from today, hacks will have access to hundreds of maskless denizens crammed onto beaches and in parks, each with their own 'story' to tell. People talking about what they have been doing with their day so far and what they plan to do that afternoon will become newsworthy, along with entirely unqualified views on virology and the Government's response. Meanwhile, the Government has officially declared that informative content in news stories is no longer mandatory, and left to the journalists' discretion.

Reporters gathered in their droves in the newly-reopened pubs and clubs having finished early for the day after completing a couple of circuits of the local park, while photographers, who have spent the morning shooting sunbathers, volleyball players and other beach dwellers, have called it 'the easiest morning of work since the A-Level results'. However, some have criticised the lifting of restrictions as hasty, claiming that far from easing into a new normal, our screens will quickly become densely packed with drunken smiling revelers, leading to an additional spike in Love Island episodes later in the year.