Episode 32: Belgium Borders, Posh Pineapples & Ketchup Health Tips
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit
Featuring Guests: Sketchly & Chipchase.
Host: Wrenfoe. Nov-Dec 2023
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/
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Aries: You will soon receive a surprise visit from a bearded man who climbs down your chimney. Those b@stards from British Gas will do anything to gain access to fit a prepayment meter.
Taurus: While enjoying Christmas dinner with your family later this month, a question may catch you off guard. When your drunken uncle asks, ‘Do you want stuffing?’ be careful how you answer, as there may be a hidden meaning.
Gemini: Due to Tory cuts, you will only be visited by the ghosts of Christmas presents.
Cancer: There’s someone special you’ve had your eye on all year, and a festive gathering could provide the perfect opportunity to finally make your move! Now would be a good time to get yourself a new outfit and practise your chat up lines – if it weren’t for the fact that on the eve of the party, your genital warts will suddenly spread to your face. It looks like you’ll be staying at home and pulling your cracker by yourself - again.
Leo: Uranus will be unpredictable this month. What else can you expect after eating so many brussels sprouts?
Virgo: After the written warning you received from the HR department last December, it’s probably best not to take any mistletoe to the office Christmas party. Mistletoe is a delightful festive tradition, but where you hung it last year was inappropriate. No one wants to kiss you under there.
Libra: There won’t be any surprises when you receive Christmas presents from an elderly aunt, as she buys the same gifts every year. Still, you can never have too many socks, ball gags or butt plugs, can you?
Scorpio: The sun in your sign encourages you to invite all your friends and family to Christmas dinner at your place this year, and dazzle them with your culinary expertise. I’m sure they’ll be really impressed when you serve them turkey and stuffing flavour Pot Noodles.
Sagittarius: This month, you will receive a lot more post than usual. No, I don’t mean Christmas cards – just letters from all those credit card companies who have finally discovered your real name and address.
Capricorn: Although forward planning is not normally your strong point, this year’s festive preparations will be less arduous than usual, thanks to a decision you made several months ago. You knew you were right not to take down your Christmas decorations last January!
Aquarius: Congratulations. Your conduct at the Christmas party will be more dignified than in previous years. For the first time you will actually pull someone who is not related to you by blood.
Pisces: It shall come to pass that a bright star will appear in the sky, above a stable; and therein shall lie one who sleeps in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, surrounded by animals.
Well, it will make a nice change from waking up in a police cell, like you usually do after you’ve tied one on at Christmas.
Hat tips go to:
SteveB – Gemini
sydalg – Aquarius.
Images: OpenClipart-Vectors & InspiredImages – Pixabay.
Aries: When Neptune enters your house of good fortune this month, all your dreams will finally come true! A substantial lottery win, finding true love and an exciting new career are all about to happen! Only joking – everything’s going to be sh!t again, just like last month.
Taurus: Due to a careless mistranslation into Mandarin, your tweet about your cat's indigestion will cause riots in Beijing.
Gemini: You may not remember what you did with the handle of a pool cue after you overdid the tequila shots in the pub last night, but your friends do, and they have video footage. Pay them off quickly before you become a trending topic on social media.
Cancer: Your lucky number is 1011011011101. Your lucky pants are in the wash.
Leo: The saying ‘opposites attract’ is great for magnets, but what you are doing is wrong. Stop the van, loosen the restraints and let them go: a relationship built on Stockholm Syndrome is doomed from the start.
Virgo: Sex with Sagittarians is not as bad as you think.
Libra: This month, Jupiter will enter your sign without knocking, and inspire you to try a new hairstyle. Unfortunately, it will make you look like a sex offender.
Scorpio: Someone in your life has angered you recently, but you have been unsure how to respond. The playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton once wrote, ‘The pen is mightier than the sword.’ He did NOT say, ‘Write the b@stard’s name and address on a Jiffy bag full of dog sh!t, and post it.’ Expect a call from police officers investigating a ‘hate crime’ soon.
Sagittarius: The heavens will be busy this month. Cosmic storms abound and gravity ebbs and flows. Great civilisations may fall. But you, you will stay in bed till twelve, like always.
Capricorn: The planets have two words for you: ‘portion control’. That party-sized gateau was meant to serve 30, you greedy pig.
Aquarius: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 5 friends on Facebook. At least one of them is a real person - the others are spambots trying to sell you Viagra.
Pisces: I hear you’ve been complaining that my predictions for your sign aren’t 100% accurate. I’m so sorry to hear that I have failed to meet your exacting standards. If you have any suggestions on how I can improve my service to you in the future, please email them to: quit-bugging-me@get-a-life-you-loser.com.
Hat tips go to:
sydalg – Taurus
FlashArry – Leo
SteveB – Virgo
lockjaw – Sagittarius
Image: flutie8211 - Pixabay
