Updated: Dec 2, 2023
Episode 29: Grammar Cubs, Bollard Bonking and more sodding Bears.
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit
Featuring Guests: Dan Sweryt, Sketchly & FlashArry
Host: Wrenfoe. August-Sept 2023
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/
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Once upon a time there was a girl called Cinderella who lived with her two ugly - by which I mean differently beautified - sisters. The ugly sisters were out all the time and Cinders was left back at the house, practising her role as sweeper.
Now it happened that Prince Charming, who was very fond of ball games, decided to throw a ball. As he didn’t really understand how social media worked, he ended up inviting absolutely everyone.
The ugly sisters told Cinderella that she wasn’t old enough for ball games, and couldn’t go. Even though their judgement was clouded from too much practice at headers with a medicine ball, Cinders accepted their decision.
On the day of the ball, Cinders helped the foul sisters into their away strip, waved them off, and cried.
Suddenly, something magical happened, and Cinders found herself with her fairy godmother, who said that she could go the game after all. Her fairy godmother her a beautiful ball gown, with a fairly discreet corporate logo, and a pair of golden boots. She magicked up an amazing coach and six smartly dressed footie men. The coach was pulled by six of Harry Redknapp’s horses. The only condition was that Cinders must leave at full time as the transportation couldn’t go south of the river after midnight.
At the ball Cinderella managed to handle all the dodgy passes and outflanked the opposition. She avoided the princes tackle and kept him out of the box. As full time approached, Cinders sprinted past the wall and ran for her coach, even though the prince wanted extra time. In her hurry to go, she left behind one of her golden boots.
The prince was desperate to agree a deal with Cinders while the transfer window was open. He searched high and low for the foot to fit the golden boot.
Eventually the Prince tracked down Cinderella and said she was the special one and a keeper. He signed her immediately, offering a massive sponsorship deal as a dowry. And although Cinders is really Greek, or Italian, or German, depending on who you choose to believe, she played happily ever after for England, and scored many times.
Hat tip to SteveB
image from pixabay
One of the greatest political innovations is the Bermuda Pants Triangle. Rather than making any attempt to fix the problems they created, leaders in power whine about the people blaming them for how everything is screwed up. So politicians and special advisers are tasked with coming up with a way of shifting the blame for everything somewhere else.
The solution is to install a czar to look into the problem, and then create independent watchdogs and regulators to oversee the specific things screwed up. The people blame their leader, the leader blames the czar, the czar blames the regulator, and the regulator blames the government. The people become disillusioned with nothing actually being fixed, and the whole problem disappears into the Bermuda Pants Triangle.
Inevitably, much more time and taxpayer money is spent shifting the blame than could have gone into completely resolving the issues in the first place, and the whole useless mess becomes the accepted norm.
That's what great leadership is all about.
Now when you contact anyone about a problem and you are given the run around several departments, you are sucked into a BPT vortex and lost forever. Here is your comprehensive guide to the czars and watchdog offices of responsibility-hand-washing:
Rudeness csar: OffHand
Animal organs czar: OffAll
Carpeting czar: OffCuts
Cycling czar - OffRoad
Prevarication czar - OffAgenonagen
Sickness czar - OffWork
Redundancy regulator - OffShove
Missing persons supremo - OffRadar
Murder czar - OffBump
Offend - Government body formed to look into bottoms :
Offence - Government body formed to regulate the trade in stolen goods
Offline - Government body formed to oversee drug rehabilitation centres
Office - Government body formed to oversee activities in Antarctica
Offend - Government body formed to look into bottoms
Offsett - Government body supervising farmers' provision for badgers
OffTen - Government body responsible for supervising decimalisation
Office for Retail Milk Standards to be called OffMilk
New Government body to regulate boring football talk - OffSighed
Music Industry regulator - OffBeat
Skiing - OffPiste
It support - OffAndonagain
Counterfeit goods - KnockOff
Offquay - regulator for small harbours
Offerr, offagain and offtopic - regulatory bodies for "Just A Minute"
Offgrid - regulation of crossword, sudoku and related puzzle compilers
Offlimits - governor governance
Offsure - management of uncertainty in parliamentary statements
Offwight - local government quango overseeing Ryde to Southsea journeys
Offenders - alternate name for the Council of British Proctologists
OffplanIT - committee overseeing large government technology projects
Offcock - gender reassignment surgery
And the new Water regulator is to be renamed as UTwat, the 'U' standing for Useless, and...
Contributions from and hat tips to:
Lockjaw, deskpilot, Jack the Quipper, Titus, FlashArry, peterg, SteveB
