Aries: The National Rifle Association will abruptly cancel your membership. It could have something to do with your ‘6 Tips for the Perfect Shooting Spree’ post on Mumsnet.
Taurus: You’ve always dreamed of becoming famous, and this month it will finally happen when Channel 5 airs a documentary about you called ‘The Woman with a Face Like a Bulldog’s Scrotum’.
Gemini: ... And the Great Whore of Babylon will be revealed unto you, arrayed in purple and bedecked with jewels. That's going to be one hell of a stag night!
Cancer: Go and see the doctor about that weird sensation you feel when you see Ant and Dec, you f**king weirdo.
Leo: Now is the time to let your creative and playful side loose at the expense of others. You will feel an urge to glue your boss's cup to the worktop, make his tea and ask Anna to let him know tea is ready for collection. You will get away with this, and feel free to elevate your creativity to the next level, stopping on the way home to buy feathers, celery, 3 French hens and bicycle clips.
Virgo: An unexpected sharting incident will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, when you find next week’s winning lottery numbers written in faeces inside the gusset of your soiled underwear.
Libra: 5,610,833 people will have exactly the same experiences as you this month.
Scorpio: It’s all very well you bragging that you have the body of a 19-year-old, but people won’t be impressed when they find out you keep it in a chest freezer in your cellar.
Sagittarius: You will spend most of this month slumped in front of the TV, covered in biscuit crumbs. To be honest, I didn’t actually consult the planets for your horoscope. It didn’t seem worth bothering them about something that’s so entirely predictable.
Capricorn: Your spirit animal is an emu, and your lucky colour is puce. This information will make no difference to your life whatsoever.
Aquarius: You always hurt the one you love. Put the lump hammer down - it's an observation, not an instruction.
Pisces: The planets are indicating that you will be shocked by something you see in the news this month, as details emerge about your favourite astrologer, who is alleged to have committed a series of bizarre crimes involving…
Holy sh!t! Sorry, must dash – I need to destroy some photographs – ahem, I mean I think I’ve left the bath running…
IT’S A STITCH UP! IT’S LIES, ALL LIES, I TELL YOU!
Hat tips go to:
sydalg – Aries
lockjaw – Gemini
simonjjames – Cancer
JoBo – Leo
SteveB – Libra
FlashArry – Aquarius
Image: vitavalka - Pixabay