Horoscopes for May, by Dippy Dave
- Lockjaw
- 2 days ago
- 2 min read
Aries
Now is a good time to review your financial situation. Going bankrupt, or fleeing abroad, are both credible options and could be better than they sound. Or you could consider travelling to a country with deposits on bottles and cans? You could probably make a decent living off the deposit money, and you would also benefit from more time outside.
Taurus
Whatever Tomasz Schafernaker says does't apply to you.
Gemini
With Venus ascending, focus falls upon your love life. Great changes are in store, although the nature of that change is unclear.
This change could be your partner declaring a willingness to participate in your sexual fantasies : equally, it may mean your partner leaving you to set up a love-nest with the front row of the local rugby team.
Good luck with either.
Cancer
You will be head hunted this month. Who knew there was a Dayak tribe seeking asylum in your area. Probably, a black mark for them. Mind you, you’ll be past caring.
Leo
Your involvement in a global IT failure leads you to suspect that cyber security may not be your "thing". Others are reaching the same conclusion, so best jump before you are pushed. Perhaps your skill set is best suited to a UK water company where, quite frankly, you would probably blend in seamlessly.
Virgo
Soz that I didn't warn you about the runaway bus. I was busy learning reading tarot cards and forgot to make a note. Still, the good news is I’m getting pretty good with the cards. Watch this space!
Libra
The nightmare will continue as your wicked uncle will put a cross in the wrong box at a polling station again.
Scorpio
You will be captured by a rogue troupe of Morris Dancers and then tied to a maypole. The village folk will dance around you throwing tar and feathers until you look like ‘the Dark One’. As the sun goes down you will be set alight to cries of ‘begone, Emmet’. Ah! Good old British traditions.
Sagittarius
Due to some admin cockup at the White House, JD Vance will calling at your front door. I strongly recommend that you hide behind the sofa till he goes away.
Capricorn
The mists of the future have briefly lifted, and I can see a fearsome but uncertain peril approaching you at great speed.
A friendly spirit indicates that chaos can be avoided by using taramasalata as a body rub, and always carrying an old edition of Halliwell's Film Guide. Sage wisdom or the rantings of an enthusiastic piss artist ? You decide, but keep me posted.
Aquarius
Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.
Pisces
Today you will encounter the Bulgarian national backgammon champion. Only you won't know if it's the elderly gentleman who smiled at you and let you stroke his pelican on a lead, or the six year old girl singing the theme tune to M*A*S*H and blowing snot bubbles.
Contributions from
deskpilot: Aries
SteveB: Taurus, Libra, Pisces
FlashArry: Gemini, Leo, Capricorn