Updated: Dec 2, 2023
Episode 27: Exploding pensioners, human car seats and too much sperm
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit
Featuring Guests: Chipchase, Sketchly & Flash Arry
Host: Wrenfoe. June-July 2023
We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict & Castbox, Youtube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor
Aardvark. This edentate mammal focuses all its energy on two activities - foraging for dead insects and holding onto the number one spot in encyclopaedias and dictionaries. "Let's face it, being first in reference books is the only way we'll ever get invited to feature in wildlife documentaries", says an aardvark spokesman. "We're not exactly cute and cuddly. Even David Attenborough described the aardvark as looking like 'a shaved donkey from some weird porn video'".
"The zebras are particularly jealous of us", he goes on, "stuck there at the very end where nobody notices them. They're so desperate for attention they have to dress up like a pedestrian crossing - good luck with that when you're trying to hide from a predator".
Homo sapiens. Bipedal hominid. It progressed from hunter-gathering to agriculture, but now spends most of its time proving it's anything but sapiens (see Breakfast TV, TikTok challenges, etc.)
H sapiens narrowly escaped becoming extinct in the notorious homophobia riots of 40,000 BC. Fortunately, somebody appealed for calm and explained that homo doesn't mean gay and there's nothing unmanly about decorating your cave with drawings of bison.
After carefully studying episodes of the Jeremy Kyle show in 2020, experts decided to withdraw the sapiens part of the title from this species. Alternative names that have been suggested are Homo vapiens and Homo whatsappiens.
Pterodactyl. A Jurassic/Cretaceous reptile that survived by impersonating a bird and getting people to feed it crumbs. But the bird act backfired badly. It coincided with the notorious Cambrian explosion of celebrity chefs. Having driven one species to extinction with their dinosaur recipes, these morons then took a fancy to anything with wings.
Soon there was stuffed pterodactyl at Christmas, pterodactyl a l'orange and Kentucky fried pterodactyl. Today the sole remaining relic of this tragic reptile is a Bargain Bucket of fossilised nuggets in the Natural History Museum.
Dodo. Didus ineptus. When this species heard Disney was bringing out a Donald Dodo character it committed suicide en masse. Anything to escape the shame of seeing characters in giant dodo costumes welcoming people to a kitsch Florida resort.
Of course Disney ended up switching to a duck, but that came too late for the dodos, who were all belly-up on the ground by then after drinking Kool-Aid. They narrowly escaped another round of Hollywood degradation in 1993 when Steven Spielberg hired DNA scientists to resurrect them but switched to dinosaurs at the last minute.
Zatbird. This has been consistently voted the most ugly and obnoxious species on the planet. It nests on desolate windswept rocks, shunned by fauna and flora alike. Even environmentalists can't stand it. Just Stop Oil protesters often carry placards saying SAVE OUR WILDLIFE - EXCEPT THE ZATBIRD.
Then there's the iconic footage from 1975 of David Attenborough silently tiptoeing up to a zatbird with his long-range camera - and a 12-gauge shotgun. "The only good zatbird is a dead one", he whispers. The earliest reference to this species in Western literature is from a tract by St Francis of Assissi, who says it "deserves to starve".
Fresh from the media storm of not showing up to vote on the Privileges Committee in the Houses of Parliament, the influential and exclusive Jilly Cooper Debating Club has publicly criticised Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s failure to attend a pivotal AGM meeting. Officials on the committee are looking at punitive actions, which could lead to him stepping down and losing all perks, such as free horse riding lessons and new gold-plated new editions of books.
In a series of angry email exchanges that have been shared with News Biscuit, it is evident that the Jilly Cooper Debating Club committee had been putting on pressure last week for Sunak to miss the vote in Parliament, for which Sunak argues that as a PM leading on integrity, he needed to be there. The committee in the email exchange fired back that attendance at the Debating Club AGM was mandatory, which they had forced Sunak to put into his work contract when he became PM.
In May this year, Sunak admitted to the world his love of Jilly Cooper books in a TV interview, but sources close to the Debating Club were angry that he didn’t consult them on what he would say. Many were disappointed at how Sunak came across, positioned these books as light reading in the public eye and only used this as a political distraction tactic.
Angry exchanges were reported at the AGM, as an empty chair was left out for Sunak in the hope that he would turn up and waste of resources on permissions for air space clearance for his hoped arrival by private plane. The vote on which books to debate in the autumn, from the shortlist of The Man Who Made Husbands Jealous, Wicked or Prudence went ahead without him.
Supporters of Sunak, say this story supports the fact that he would have ordinarily attended the vote on the Privileges Committee, and wasn’t due to lack of leadership, or standing up to Boris Johnson as some commentators and MPs are alleging. Downing Street has not responded to where Sunak was earlier this week if he was not in Parliament or at the Jilly Cooper Debating Club AGM. Since his failed appearance at either event, a photo on Instagram has been posted of Sunak's butler rearranging his Jilly Cooper study guides collection.
In an extraordinary statement released by the Jilly Cooper Debating Club saying their needs trumped political commitments, they said, ‘Rishi Sunak’s actions confirm to our members that he is a literary lightweight, having used politics to get out of an important AGM meeting. We are sorry to those that feel he must set public standards in politics and support the Privileges Committee. In our eyes, Jilly Cooper fans would sell their soul to be on this exclusive debating club, and any Prime Minister has a shelf life whereas being a Jilly Cooper fan is a lifetime commitment. He needs to remember which side his bread is buttered, with the 1% elite, or the 5% that read Jilly Cooper books.”
Sources close to the author, Jilly Cooper, said she does not comment on politics but is looking forward to seeing the PM at the summer Shetland Pony Polo Tournament on the island of Lilliput in a few weeks.
