The Bard’s early attempts at porn

If music be the food of love, perchance it should be played upon the pink oboe. - (12½ Nights)

What light from yonder window breaks? It is the sun and Juliet is wearing but a thin white cotton slip – hubbah hubbah! - (Romeo Does Juliet)

'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream — mayhap that dream with the two nuns and the church candle; ay! There’s a rub! - (Hamlet, or Porking For Beginners)

I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs, the dog in supplication and the limp starfish partaking of a ciggie. - (Othella, Whore of Venice)

And gentlemen in England now a-bed shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap whiles perusing a jazz mag. - (Henry the Filth)

I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and thy trousers the blessings of my horse. - (Much Ado About Stuffing)

Let us sit upon the ground and tell glad stories of the girth of dings.

How some have been exposed, some lain with whores,

Some vaunted for the lengths they have exposed.

Some moistened by their swives, some sleeping filled;

All moither'd. - (The Second Dick)

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; Lust, on the other hand, grabs you from behind! - (A Midsummer's Wet Dream)

Is this a dagger I see before me, or are you just pleased to see me? - (MacBellend)

Beauty is bought by judgement of the eye, so get 'em out, love. - (Love's Labours Toss'd)

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or present a fair maiden with a necklace of pearls? - (Porking for Beginners)

When shall we three meet again? When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost and won, then shall we three meet again at the dogging site, next Tuesday. - (MacBellend)

A whore, a whore, my Kingdom for a whore. - (Richard the Turd)

Once more unto the breeches. - (Henry the Filth)

How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? - (Henry the Sexth, Part II)

Lay on MacDuff. - (Mrs MacDuff)

Is this a todger I see before me? - (Lady MacBeth)

Oh that this too solid flesh melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew. - (The Viagra soliloquy)

Out, damned spot. - (Lady MacBeth, whose character originally featured in Two Gentleman of Venerea)

Is this a dagger that I see before me, the handle towards my hand?

But screw your courage to the sticky place.

- I've not heard it called that before.

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. O, that I were a glove upon that hand. That I might touch that cheek. Hold on, change that, she’s decided to sit down.

What news on the camel toe? - (Carlo's Old Anus)

Tell me, where's this fancy bed? - (The Temptress)

Heat not a furnace for your foo-foo so hot that it do singe yourself. - (A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream)

All the world's a stage, and all the women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time has had the lot of them. - (As She Likes It)

Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt the money shot. - (Ham-a-lot, Ponce of Denmark)

For which of my big parts didst thou first fall in love with me? - (Much Ado About Something)

Forsooth my lord, she doth present as a high yielder. You doth not get many of them to the pound! - (Carry On Up The Falstaff)

Contributions from and hat tips to: SteveB, Lockjaw, Deskpilot, Midfield Diamond, Chipchase, Beau-Jolly

'Lego to replace Bitcoins' - Out Now

Dear friends of NewsBiscuit,

We have released another book.. You can order e-copies here.. Paperback and hardback copies can be ordered here. They may even be available if Amazon have pulled their finger out.

‘The Media has become a fetid stream of ill-informed and scurrilous reporting, and for that I say - ‘You’re Welcome’.’ Sir Hugo Von Biscuit (NewsBiscuit owner and sweat shop enthusiast)

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

‘Lego to replace Bitcoins’ is the latest humorous output from the UK’s oldest online satirical website. NewsBiscuit was launched by John O’Farrell in September 2006 and has been one step away from a super-injunction ever since.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Iron Maiden Toilet Seats to Spike Workplace Efficiency

In the never-ending quest for increased productivity, the corporate world has stumbled upon a ground-breaking solution: Iron Maiden Toilet Seats. From the innovators of the anti-suicide nets in Shenzhen Apple factories comes this exciting invention that is sure to leave any CEO salivating.

Gone are the days of employees idly scrolling through social media or taking unnecessarily long bathroom breaks. With the bed-of-nails toilet seat, employees can enjoy up to 20 seconds of unskewered toilet time before the spikes begin to rise slowly out of the porcelain throne like that scene in The Temple of Doom.

For those too numb with existential ennui to feel their buttocks being impaled, the spikes will administer an injection of caffeine and methamphetamines to stimulate an ebullient motivation to work.

‘At first we took a lot of inspiration from hostile architecture,’ a senior manager tells us. ‘We started by tilting the seats at 13 degrees to make toilet breaks more miserable, but it only led to a 25% decrease in time spent on comfort breaks. After that we exaggerated the slope to 90 degrees, but amazingly they were still managing to dawdle. Then we introduced the Genital Grabbing Sewer Goblins, but they soon began unionizing over their lack of health insurance. The spiked toilet seat is by far the most cost-effective solution.’

‘I miss the goblins,’ warehouse worker Andrew Perez tells us. ‘It’s been so long since I’ve felt the touch of my wife that the physical contact filled a void inside me. Sarah, if you’re out there, I miss you, my love. Tell the kids that Daddy will be home soon.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/taken-336382/