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Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens




The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.


An RSPB spokesperson said:


‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’


There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.


You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.


Bill Oddie refused to comment.



First published 26 Dec 2022


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HAPPY HUMBUG DAY & A SEASONS CONTRAFIBULATIONS TO ALL OUR READERS



Yes, it’s that time of year again. Sod all in the news, and the only thing you could find for your significant other was a windscreen wiper for a Nissan Micra in the Halfords pre-Xmas sale.


If you can tear yourself away from a simmering row with Great Aunt Pumice over the desperate state of the sprouts, want to stop laughing at Boris’s address to the nation for five minutes and avoid you know who’s bloody speech, then check in with us at Newsbiscuit central. Our world-beating editors are still hard at work in the main bar of The Nelson’s arms, taking lager flow tests on the hour every hour in case anything newsworthy happens anywhere, at all, whatsoever.


Today, for one day only, we are pleased to announce the Newsbiscuit TITUS HEADLINE XMAS SPECIAL. Titus is a legendary Newsbiscuit contributor, who valiantly floods our Writer’s Room with hundreds if not thousands of contributions on a daily basis, many of which remain unpublished, also on a daily basis.


Whether this is because of the Newsbiscuit VAR machine, good taste or for completely biased editorial reasons, scientists can’t say for sure due to Russian hackers refusing to share their data.


ENJOY


Ye Merry Newsbiscuit Editorial Team



First published 25 Dec 2021


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Boris and Carrie Round Robin letter 2021



Well, blimey, what a year!


For starters, we got Brexit done, as I promised. When I say Brexit was done, I done Brexit. Well, something I call Brexit got done. I didn’t really understand all the technical words in the agreement, but who reads this stuff? I certainly don’t, and anyway, I was knee-deep in awarding contracts for PPE and creating laws for everyone outside of government. Lord knows who would have taken those contracts if it wasn’t for friends and family, eh?


Matt was a real help, working late with his assistant. No idea what his wife thought, but that’s the problem with National crises – people have to stand up to the plate. Matt certainly did that and more. Unfortunately, the papers found out what the more was, but anyway…


We had the decorators in! I know you all expect me to be a dab hand at wallpapering, but I’ve been very busy handing out peerages to generous donors most of the year. Carrie, bless her, set her heart on some gold-coloured paper, and I popped off to B&Q to bag a few rolls. Unfortunately, it wasn’t gold-coloured; it was sheets of pure gold, judging by the price. How we laughed when a party donor paid for the paper and the work. Unfortunately, the papers found out about that and apparently, it’s illegal, but anyway…


We got caught handing out those peerages, which it appears isn’t kosher (but don’t tell anyone I use that phrase). It seems the papers found out, but anyway…


That nasty woman I put in charge of Parliamentary standards started to sniff around. Can’t stand her, and she thinks she knows what her job is. She might have been OK, but she tried to penalise a chum who did some paid work on the side, which in my book is kosher (don’t tell anyone I use that phrase), so I tried to see her off. Not literally, I just wanted to change the odd rule; you know the one, the one that says we have to act within the law. Anyway, my chum Owen decided to leave Parliament after a row even though I’d arranged to change the law to make his side hustles kosher (I probably shouldn’t use that phrase), so we had a bit of a by-election. No problems there – we had a furlough scheme or something back in the day. It seems voters forget stuff that happened back in the day. I can’t really blame them; I do that ALL the time.


Anyway, we were busy awarding contracts or something (you know I don’t like to waste my time reading stuff – I’ve kids to procreate), and the media just kept on going on about me working late running quizzes and stuff last Christmas. Anyway, when we looked up, we had one fewer MP. It’s not really a problem as it now looks like I’ve about 100 fewer MPs following a vote just before I wrote this letter. At least I can rely on those buddies I handed peerages to. Well, I must pop this in the post as I’ve just had an urgent message from Frostie. Probably an invite to Christmas drinks.


Toodles until next year


Bozzer and Carrie




First published 24 Dec 2021


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