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Gove approves 200 miles of new canal



Michael Gove has finally backed the construction of 200 miles of artificial waterways across the north of England despite nobody having used the existing ones since Queen Victoria first gagged on Prince Albert’s prince albert. Environmental enthusiasts were at a loss to know what to say about the Schrödinger style proposal as it could be looked upon as both a brilliant idea benefitting the environment and an utterly insane idea trashing the environment.


Tories hope the initiative will help revive flagging interest in the party and help boost donations. Gove also hinted at the building of new Grammar schools along the banks of the canals, the erection of hangman’s gallows across the Yorkshire dales and free gymkhana lessons for all pony club members.


Canals - once the lifeblood of industry and commerce back in the 18th century but still fresh in the minds of some Tory members - could make a comeback under Tory levelling up plans. ‘London has the recently opened the Elizabeth Line and Crossrail, and the exciting Thameslink project connecting parts of the city is under development as we speak. So, it is only fair that the north of England also gets an upgrade on its transport infrastructure’, said Gove, adding, ‘and what better way to prove we are serious about our levelling up commitments than the building of a new canal’.


It is hoped the new canal will carry coal from the new Cumbrian mine near Whitehaven to exporting hubs around the north.


The secretary of state also said opening a new coal mine would create all sorts of job opportunities for people as young as 7-8 years old…especially in the field of flue maintenance and disposal of amorphous carbon particles.


Michael Gove is MP for Surrey Heath.




First published 10 Dec 2022


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Peter Jackson's Cheeky Girls documentary gets green light.


Oscar winning director, Peter Jackson, currently enjoying huge success with his Beatle's documentary "Get Back" has announced he is already working on his next project, bringing to the fore the artistic genius of the Cheeky Girls, according to an industry insider.


Jackson has meticulously restored over 500 hours of footage filmed during the recording of the Cheeky Girls' difficult second album, 2007's "In My Mind - Is A Different World... (A Cheeky One)" and sheds new light on the relationship between Monica and Gabriela before their tumultuous break up in the late-2000s.


The seventeen hour documentary, "Touch my bum" contains clips from their writing sessions, including hilarious outtakes in which they try to find a rhyme for "touch my bum", their recording sessions where the artistic tension can be cut with a knife, to their stormy relationships, the time when one of them went out with that Armpit Ono bloke, which many fans say signalled the beginning of the end of their collaboration.


A spokesman for Mr Jackson told us, 'Quite frankly, we're getting a little worried about Peter. We think he may have been working too hard recently. He really needs a rest.'






First published 9 Dec 2021


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Man has wife’s birthday present removed from his colon



A man has undergone a two-hour operation to have his wife’s birthday present removed from his colon.


42-year-old Tom Titt from Twatt told us, “I knew my wife’s birthday was coming up, because I never forget important dates like that – my mum always sends a text to remind me,” said Tom, shifting uncomfortably on his doughnut cushion. “My missus says I never listen to her, but I’d heard her complaining recently that her old Hoover wasn’t picking up dog hairs anymore. I had to take her word for it that the Hoover was knackered, 'cos I’ve never used it myself. I don’t even know where she keeps it - I leave the domestic appliances to her, 'cos I don’t understand them,” explained Tom, who has a master’s degree in engineering. “I do know a hint when I hear one though, so I was sure she was trying to tell me she wanted a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday.”


Tom went on to say, “I thought she’d be delighted when she unwrapped the Dyson vacuum I bought her, but for some reason when she saw it she started yelling. Then she ripped the box open, grabbed the upholstery attachment and shoved it right up my arse! How ungrateful is that? The Dyson wasn’t cheap, either. I’m butt hurt – in every sense of the word.”


Tom’s wife Charlotte said, “Tom always buys crap presents. The Dyson isn’t actually the worst gift he’s ever bought - for my birthday last year he booked a skiing holiday at the last minute, which would have been lovely, but I was heavily pregnant at the time and couldn’t go. He went with his mate instead, and missed the birth. This year, weeks before my birthday, I started dropping hints about a Pandora bracelet I liked. I took him to the store to show him the bracelet and I kept leaving the Pandora website open on his iPad, but he obviously didn’t take the hint. When I saw he’d bought me a vacuum cleaner, all the pent-up rage from 18 years of crap presents swelled up inside me, and I completely lost it.”


Charlotte added, “Tom’s bought me some sh*t presents in the past, but to be fair this one really sucks!”




First published 8 Dec 2022


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