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England lose their first training session on penalties




Manager Gareth Southgate refused to attend a press conference following England’s latest embarrassing defeat in Qatar. Despite inventing the game, the country is still terminally useless at being able to kick a ball in any meaningful direction.


‘I’m as sick as a parrot,’ muttered a crestfallen Southgate as he walked away from the scene of England’s latest disgrace. ‘We haven’t had a decent result since we beat Stockport Post Office in the Euros,’ he added. ‘Frankly, we only have ourselves to blame for scoring against ourselves.


We had a carefully worked out plan with Venn diagrams, a screening of Escape from Alcatraz, and a PowerPoint presentation from some bloke in a tracksuit. I’m going to have to go back to the drawing board.’


Assistant coach, Ronnie Rickets, said it could mean wearing a sheepskin coat on the touchline like they did in the old days.


‘Yeah, well, you know, said Ronnie. ‘Harry Kane did point out that a sheepskin coat in sixty-plus degrees might not be conducive to keeping cool under the circumstances. That earned him a punch in the face from Gareth and sixty lashes from the security guards.’




First published 17 Nov 2022


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International tightrope walking competition opens in Qatar




Competitors are gathering in the Middle East to walk a tightrope between enjoying themselves and being condemned to the death penalty. The festival of daring, bravery and skill involves very carefully putting one foot in front of the other, as even the slightest step out of line could prove fatal.


The Qatari authorities have explained that even white, hetrosexual, teetotal, male entrants who don’t really care about human rights will have to tread very carefully along the high wire throughout the competition. All other contestants will have the added complication of tightrope walking on eggshells, and absolutely no safety net will be provided.


Overall, it is hoped that the world’s television viewers will be hugely entertained by the event, and will marvel at the spectacle of the death-defying acts. Apart from the families of the exploited migrant construction workers whose efforts to set up the tournament in Qatar were sadly less than death-defying.




First published 16 Nov 2022


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Levelling up will ensure entire nation is underwater


Tory measures designed to equalise north/south disparity will result in the entire British Isles being below sea-level according to a government think tank. Fears that Scotland and the Pennines would be left high and dry following the melting of the polar ice cap appear unfounded according to senior figures at number ten.


Water sports, fishing and extreme cave diving will be available to the masses as the Business Secretary launches a ‘raft’ of new initiatives to bring unemployment down to zero. Illegal immigration hotspots are likely to become a thing of the past as scurvy and poor nautical navigation lead to natural wastage.


The government will also be setting aside money for a new navy which will look very similar to Farrow and Ball’s ‘Falmouth Blue’.





First published 15 Nov 2021


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