top of page
Search

Man substitutes personality for Madri obsession




A man has successfully substituted his entire personality for an obsession with Madri.


The popular beer has been the drink of choice for many in the U.K. this summer and is now a common sight at most pubs.


But the beer has attracted a crowd of people who have nothing to offer anyone but a monologue about how much they love Madri.


One man in particular, Simon Jones, has cut off his friends and family over the last few months.


His friend, John Cavanagh, said: “it all started with the first sip back in June. He immediately began banging on about how it was much smoother than other beers and was far superior to anything out there.

“He then bought the merchandise - key rings, shirts, socks - even Madri flavoured condoms.


“He laughs at us if we drink anything other than Madri and lectures us on its taste.”


It is understood that his friends have been trying to get Simon to take part in some form of rehabilitation.


John added: “We just want our old Carling drinking friend back. Madri is like a monster inside him - a monster that won’t bloody shut up about Madri’s smoothness.”


Author: CaptainParrot




First published 8 Nov 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















7 money saving tips from financial guru, Martin Clueless




During this cost-of-living crisis, many are struggling to make ends meet. Here are some hints to help you to save a few pounds:


1. Clear out your food cupboard - you’re bound to find several items you’d forgotten about. Ignore ‘best before’ dates – that’s just a ruse thought up by food manufacturers to get you to waste money. If you find any Pot Noodles or Toast Toppers chuck them in the bin, even if they’re not out of date. Don’t donate them to a food bank – those people have suffered enough.


2. Defrost your freezer, and liberate all those stray peas and bits of carrot that have been embedded in the ice for years. Combine them will all the loose grains of rice from the back of the food cupboard to make a delicious risotto.


3. Don’t throw away that mouldy Cheddar from the back of the fridge - eat it, and pretend it’s Stilton. You won’t notice the taste if you wash it down with that bottle of ouzo you bought back from Greece 20 years ago.


4. Whenever you feel cold, run up and down the stairs 50 times, as fast as you can. You’ll soon be all hot and sweaty, so you won’t need to put the heating on.


5. If you are reckless enough to turn the heating on, take a tip from your Nan – don’t heat the whole house, just heat the living room to 40°C, while the rest of the house is below freezing. The blast of cold air whenever you leave the living room may come as a shock, but the sudden change in temperature will really get your circulation going. You’ll get all the same health benefits as those nutters who go ice swimming, without having to get wet.


6. Scrape the black mould from the bathroom ceiling, and spread it on a cracker. Eat it and pretend it’s Beluga caviar, like what posh people eat. It probably tastes the same.


7. Insects are a good source of protein. If you have a teenage son, there are bound to be loads of dead flies on his bedroom windowsill, which will make a nutritious snack. Try not to wonder why there are so many dead flies in there, or where the horrible smell is coming from. And definitely don’t look under the bed.



Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered by readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.



First published 7 Nov 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Cluedo’s Rev Green released after 2016 conviction deemed to be 'unsafe'



Following a painstaking investigation by BBC’s Panorama programme, convicted murderer The Rev Green, is to be released from prison after what’s being called a gross miscarriage of justice during the now infamous Cluedo Mansion murder case in 2016.


Green was sent down for a full life term without remission, following Mum’s revelation that it was he who committed the grizzly murder using a length of lead-piping in the mansion’s stately ballroom.


However, that conviction is now being called unsafe after new evidence emerged during the investigation accusing Mum of frequently cheating at all family board games.


Daughter, Tamsin, confirmed Mum had once stashed an extra £500 note from a second Monopoly set, in order to settle a crippling fine that would otherwise have seen her crash out of the game, after she landed on Mayfair which belonged to Toby who had two hotels on it.


Speaking to Panorama Dad said: ‘I’m gutted by this. You think you know someone and that they can be trusted… then they go and do something like this. Sickening! It’s impossible to convict Rev Green now, as we only have Mum’s word for it that the incriminating evidence was actually even in the envelope at that time.’


Nevertheless, Mum was putting on a brave face. They can go ahead and broadcast whatever they have but I’m not worried. I can’t imagine either Police or the CPS being remotely interested in what is clearly nothing more than just a silly trivial pursuit.




First published 6 Nov 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?



















bottom of page