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UK finds the controls down the back of a sofa



The government have found the controls behind the back of a sofa in Downing Street. 'What a palaver - we've spent years trying to take back control and we had the buggers all the time. Brexit, Johnson, all the arguments and we didn't need to do all of that - could have stayed in the EU, left Boris in the fridge and helped to find Liz Truss a brain.


'Soz'.





First published 22 Oct 2022


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Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots




NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.


According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.


“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”


However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”




First published 21 Oct 2023


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Massive search underway after last piece of Liz Truss’s credibility ‘goes out of window’



A huge police search was under way for Liz Truss’s credibility after the final piece of it was said to have gone out of the window at PMQs.


‘She only had a very tiny bit of credibility in the first place’ said a spokesperson for the Met Police ‘and this was kept constantly guarded under lock and key inside Number 10 by our trusty, highly respected officers’.


‘Unfortunately, even this miniscule remaining amount has now somehow managed to escape - with someone so incompetent like Truss this sort of thing can occasionally happen, continued the spokesperson.'


‘We were all busy watching Truss flounder as Keir Starmer did his stand-up routine at Prime Ministers Questions and as Truss said, 'I'm a fighter not a quitter', the last piece of her credibility must have taken the chance to leg it out of the number 10 window.


‘We want to reassure the public though that having a bit of her credibility on the loose isn’t dangerous’, said the spokesperson. ‘You won’t be able to see it with the naked eye, as it is really very small. And it has a very short half-life – we know this as it has deteriorated incredibly rapidly even over the last few days.’


The news comes on the back of a number of other high-profile losses in recent months, including Boris Johnson's integrity and any semblance of government competence.





First published 20 Oct 2021

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