top of page
Search

I chose not to consult householder and will pay 1% proceeds in compensation, says burglar




A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged.


"I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of jewellery and the kids' Playstations. What else could I have done?"


"But in recognition of the fact that my actions were undoubtedly illegal, I am happy to comply fully with the legal penalties for my actions, by which I mean give them the £50 I got their DVD collection."


Mr Pebbledash, who police suspect is also responsible for similar offences in Southampton and Liverpool, was then heard protesting loudly and making waves. "My citizenship is registered in Bermuda, you can't arrest me in the UK" as he was led off to cells pending formal charging.




First published 25 Mar 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Epstein Island sold to Bond villain






The estate agent handling the sale said: 'It's quite a niche market, most buyers don't need that many dungeons. It would certainly work as an evil lair, as you could easily convert the 'pleasure pit' into a shark tank.


'We did have some interest from a Royal buyer, but he was £12m short. Bill Clinton and Bill Gates both made inquiries, but that was to make sure they had left no fingerprints.


'It's got fascinating history and an even more interesting FBI file. But we do advise the new owner not to use uv lighting in 90% of the rooms'.




First published 24 Mar 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Man successfully cooks something on smallest gas hob ring on cooker





A man has confounded all logic and reason by managing to successfully cook something on the smallest of the 4 hob rings on his gas cooker, it has been confirmed.


Mike McBride 46, managed to cook a small pan of penne pasta in just under 5 hours but admitted that he never expected to complete the ultimate endurance task, only taking it on out of desperation, as all the other hob rings were unavailable.


'I had no choice really', admitted McBride - there was a sauce boiling on one, some veg cooking on the massive hob ring, and of course, the back right ring wasn't igniting, its always the back right one, isn't it?'.


'I tried all the tricks in the book, including constantly twisting the hob dial left and right whilst crouched down closely inspecting the flame to see whether anything other than a miniscule amount of gas was coming through, but it had no effect' admitted McBride.


McBride is now planning another record breaking attempt by trying to work out what the setting on his oven means where it has a half zigzag line at the top and a straight line at the bottom.




First published 23 Mar 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















bottom of page