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Owner of Mr Benn's fancy dress shop forced to rent out empty premises by government


Landlords in Festive Road could be forced to let empty shops in a bid to rejuvenate high streets. Under government plans, due to be unveiled in Tuesday's Queen's Speech, buildings left vacant for a year would have to be entered into a rental auction.


The British Retail Consortium initially stated that they were unable to put up a spokesperson, but then, as if by magic, a shopkeeper appeared. The moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeeper started by denying cultural appropriation, then went on to say boarded-up premises were a blight on towns and cities and damaged local economies. His shop had only every had one customer, who tried on thirteen different costumes. The shopkeeper had assumed that he had been auditioning to join The Village People.


The customer had disappeared into the changing room for quite a long time on each occasion, so the shopkeeper had not wanted to investigate what the client was doing in there too closely. However, when challenged, the customer had claimed there was a magic door at the back of the cubical leading to an adventure. On returning to his normal life, the shopper always left with a small souvenir. This shopkeeper has concluded the mystery man was using the portal to carry out raids, and steal historical artefacts, in the style of The Time Bandits.



First published 10 May 2022


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Turmeric under unreasonable pressure to fix all ailments


Jars of turmeric are feeling the pressure from people who read adverts in magazines uncritically to sort out their dodgy back, stop them going bald, help them see better in the dark and restore their libido to that of a teenager.


A jar of turmeric sighed, ‘We can make things yellow and taste a bit spicy but we’ve got no proof we can do all the other stuff and it’s embarrassing us. We don’t want to waste people’s money. There is no good evidence that we have these health benefits. We’d love to be able to say we’re a wonder cure for anything that ails you but we most probably aren’t. Admittedly it’s much, much easier to buy some pills made of us after seeing an ad in your gardening magazine than it is to see your GP and get some drugs which have been tested in clinical trials and approved for use in the NHS. We won’t do you any harm but any good we do is likely to be coincidence and wishful thinking. Enjoy our jolly bright colour and our taste though and we hope you feel better soon’.



Image from Pixabay by NirmalSarkar



First published 9 May 2022


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Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity


In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission.


Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.'


It's understood the scientists were ingested painlessly via Mr Johnson's glass of warm milk, and have seventy-two hours to complete their mission in the high-tech craft.


Professor Schmidt gave this update on progress: 'Unsurprisingly, we have drawn a complete blank thus far. What's more the mission is fraught with danger. Last night things nearly came to a sticky and premature end on no less than twenty occasions.


'The sub was in the region of his testicles when Mr Johnson suddenly indulged in a frenzied and sustained bout of masturbation whilst reading about Winston Churchill. Mercifully, he fell asleep before the team was ejaculated, enabling them to navigate to a safer and considerably less active zone - his conscience.


'Our greatest fear however is if they should mistakenly end up in the vicinity of Mr Johnson's cavernous arsehole. Although, in such circumstances each member has been issued with a quick-acting cyanide tablet.'




First published 8 May 2022


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