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Bohemian Rish-sody



Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?


Facing a landslide, no escape from reality


Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see


I'm just a To - ry, I’ll get no sympathy


Because I'm easy come, easy go, rose too high, falling low


Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me





Tories, I screwed it up


I put a gun against your head


I called election, now you’re dead


Tories, my term had just begun


But now I've gone and thrown it all away


Tories, ooh-ooh, looks like you’re gonna fry


If I'm not back again this time tomorrow


Vote me out, vote me out, the country is in tatters





Too late, the polls have come


Send shivers down my spine, MPs lying all the time


Goodbye, everybody, I'm going to go


Gotta leave you all behind to emigrate


Tories, ooh-ooh (any way the cash goes)


I’m not gonna die


But I sometimes wish I never had stood at all





I see a little spineless tosser of a man


Roland Rat, Roland Rat, will you do us all a favour?


Arguing and fighting, very, very frightening me


(Nigel Farage) Boris Johnson, (Nigel Farage) Boris Johnson


They’re the ones to blame - and bloody Go-o-o-o-ove





I'm just a rich boy, nobody loves me


He's just a bell-end from a rich family


Spare his rich wife from this monstrous defeat





Easy con, track and trace, money in a sack


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


Never, never, never, got a boat to fund


No, no, no, no, no, no, no





Oh, Maggie Thatcher, Maggie Thatcher


Maggie Thatcher, let me go


Americans have a job put aside for me, for me, for me





So you think you can dump me and spit in my eye?


So you think you can hate me and leave me to die?


Oh, Tories, can't do this to me, Tories


Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here


Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah





Nothing really matters, except my money


Nothing else matters


Nothing else matters to me


Any way the wind blows, he'll go




H/T Sinnick for lyric suggestions


Image: Sinnick & Modelmaker


With apologies to Mick Rock, Photographer and the estate of Freddy Mercury, Songwriter.




First published 25 Jun 2024


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Windrush monument ‘deported to Caribbean for having wrong paperwork’ confirms Patel



A special monument dedicated to the Windrush pioneers who arrived in Britain to start a new life over 50 years ago has been deported to the Caribbean just hours after being formally unveiled at London Waterloo station.


The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge joined members of the Windrush generation to mark the landmark occasion but were brushed aside by a team of Counter Terrorism Officers who cuffed the statue before bundling it into the back of an incident response vehicle and driving it off to the airport.


The £1m statue had only been in place for a matter of minutes before being hauled down and packed off to Jamaica ‘because yet again it had the wrong sort of paperwork’ confirmed a spokesperson for the Home Secretary.


The spokesperson also claimed the mountain of suitcases on which the man, woman and child were standing had probably been stolen at some point on their journey and so the family were being deported as a precaution.


Despite coming from Stroud in Gloucestershire - having never even set foot in the Caribbean - the monument now faces an uncertain future when it touches down 4500 miles from its UK home.


‘OK…so we can’t be absolutely sure the suitcases were stolen….but I would bet that at the very least they have been tampered with and things are probably missing.


That’s good enough reason for me to deport anyone’ said Ms. Patel



First published 24 Jun 2022


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“Least surprising news story of the year” already declared


Despite it only being June 21st, the winner of the “Least surprising news story of the year” competition has already been declared.



The news that the upgrades to the Docklands Light Railway in east London will in fact take longer and cost more than predicted has been described as “so obvious, you wonder why they even bothered reporting it”.



“It’s a public infrastructure project, of course it’ll take longer and cost more than they said,” said one of the award judges. ”Compared to that, ‘Sun rises in the morning’ or ‘Leaves fall off trees in autumn’ would have readers fainting in shock.



”It’s a headline we’ve seen with literally every public infrastructure project, up to and including Crossrail. We would have seen it with HS2, if they hadn’t given up on it entirely. And don’t get me started on the £37 billion Covid app that didn’t work, or mates of cabinet ministers who got PPE contracts and delivered faulty equipment…



”I’d just love to live in their world, where you can do your job so badly and not suffer the slightest penalty. And given that all these projects were put out to tender, presumably the predicted cost and timeframe were a significant part of choosing who got the job? So how can they junk all their promises the moment it suits them? I really don’t understand it.”



A suggestion that “England go out on penalties” might be an even less surprising news story in a couple of weeks time was rejected on the grounds it assumes England makes it past the group stage of the tournament, which would be very surprising.




First published 22 Jun 2024


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