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Cast of It Ain't Half Hot, Mum to take charge of petrol crisis.



After announcing that the army is to help resolve the fuel crisis, Grant Shapps, has confirmed that the concert party from 1970s BBC sitcom It Ain't Half hot, Mum will be taking an active role.


The fact that most of the cast have now died does not seem to be of any concern to Mr Shapps, who is convinced that they are the best men for the job. The Royal Artillery Concert Party, will be responsible for the logistical planning and delivery of fuel to service stations all over the country, whilst simultaneously providing entertainment for queueing motorists.


A new version of the song "Meet the Gang" will be played on giant screens on the forecourts. La De Dah Gunner Graham will play piano while Melvyn Hayes, dressed as Greta Garbo, will soothe angry customers by dancing seductively around them with a feather boa and winking seductively.


Holograms of Don Estelle and Windsor Davies will sing a new version of their 1975 hit, "Whispering Grass", now titled "Rationing Gas", with Davies occasionally asking motorists "to show them lovely shoulders".


A Labour spokesman claims the idea was stolen from them, citing the successful scheme last year when the cast of Are You Being Served delivered truckloads of pasta and toilet rolls to most of the UK's major supermarkets.





First published 1 Oct2021


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'White House' in Washington D.C. puts UK care homes to shame


As the care sector in the UK continues to struggle with funding issues and staff payment and retention, across the Atlantic care for the elderly is taken extremely seriously if the example we viewed is anything to go by.


The 'White House' in Washington D.C. is a residential home with facilities that many places in the UK can only dream of. As our guide, Mary Koplinski, explained, 'We believe our residents deserve the best as they approach their twilight years.'


The best includes a swimming pool, movie theatre, solarium, music room, chocolate shop, games room and bowling alley. Also impressive is the ratio of staff to residents. Mary told us, 'We currently have one 81-year-old gentleman, who is a little unsteady on his feet and with a tendency to get very confused. However, looking after him is a staff of over 500, attending to his every need. Occasionally he takes little trips out, but we pick him up and help him back to his room. Otherwise he mostly sleeps a lot.'


Unlike UK care home costs of upwards of £1,000 per week per resident, the White House costs are all fully funded. However, every resident does need a bankroll of several million dollars to pay for the application and selection process.


Mary was quite excited about possibly seeing a return visitor in January next year. 'Another elderly gent who was last here about four years ago. Then it was respite care, mainly for his family's benefit, to give them a break. Some of the elderly can be very demanding and at times irrational. This time he will require extra supervision as he's become more paranoid and delusional, but that's fine. We just ensure he doesn't touch anything inappropriate, such as shiny red buttons, or female interns.'




First published 30 Sep 2024


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KLF sound cash inferno alarm as government sends entire UK economy up in smoke



British electronic band KLF have criticised Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng for torching the UK’s higher tax brackets.


A raging electronic statement from KLF with red hot keynotes lit the place up: 'It certainly looked like Kwasi Kwarteng was all bound for mu-mu land during the Queen’s funeral, but we suppose that balances out Liz Truss having the charisma, oratorical style and cold dead expression of a Dalek. Exterminate! The Tories are more fiscally irresponsible than setting fire to a million pounds. Take it from the justified and ancient ones.’


Economic expert Piotr Polkowski said, ‘It was only a combination of Boris Johnson’s era-defining levels of self-absorption and his inability to stop humping things, that prevented the Tory Government from unleashing such truly unnecessary economic suffering sooner. All aboard the last train to Transcentral. If you can still afford a ticket. Which you can't.’



Hat tip to sirlupus



First published 29 Sep 2022


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