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Particularly slow news day for right-wing press

Several right-of-centre news outlets have found themselves mysteriously short of political stories over the last few days.

Ian Ingram from the Express spluttered ‘There’s only Britannia’s eternal ascent into the sunlit uplands to report on at the moment. Boris and Allegra are doing a spiffing job showing those bureaucrats in Brussels who’s boss by having a good old British Christmas party. Can you still say Christmas or has that commie Corbyn banned it?’

Marianne Morrison from the Mail said ‘I want a photo of the real royal baby, Boris and Carrie’s latest. Calling all donors, they’ll have to redecorate again and wallpaper is very expensive. Plus Boris might need another Caribbean holiday.’

Luke Lyle from the Sun shouted ‘Oi oi! Our masters and – let’s face it – betters, have given us plebs some rules to follow. They should be allowed a massive party to celebrate, but don’t tell the cops. Or do, it won’t matter. So your nan died alone from Covid? If she didn’t have a nice rack, it’s not a story.‘

Clementine Carruthers from the Telegraph said: ‘Firstly, you should get back to your offices. At least if you work in office buildings owned by major Tory donors. But remember, no Christmas parties for you oiks. And in the entirely hypothetical scenario that the uplands are less than sunlit, Boris is always welcome here. He can do a monthly column, maybe impregnate a few interns and we’ll give him a nice six figure salary. That’s what chums do.’

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