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Smoke alarms on Space Station triggered by alien bacon



Concerns have been raised that Astronauts may have been sneakily eating evidence of life from other planets, specifically turning ET into a bacon butty. The International Space Station (ISS) has claimed smoke detectors were set off by faulty batteries but were unable to explain the smell of crispy bacon and the discarded alien clothing.


Rumours exist that First Contact with an alien race was disrupted, when the ISS crew discovered that this new race shared 99% of their DNA with pigs. Commented one astronaut: ‘They came in peace but they were so goddamn tasty!’


Being stuck on a space station with months of powdered food creates a certain hunger, a hunger that soon took over, when the inhabitants of Porcus V raised their trotters in friendship. Explained another astronaut, wiping ketchup from his chin: ‘They were saying something about discovery and knowledge but all I heard was the sound of sizzling’.




First published 13 Sep 2021


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The 10 stages of grief you must go through to mourn the Queen’s death



In case you hadn’t heard, Queen Elizabeth has died. Following a bereavement, it’s normal to go through five stages of grief. However, as the Queen was far more important than anyone else, you are required by law to go through at least ten stages of grief:


Denial. News that the most important person in the world has died is hard to believe, especially if you get all your news from Facebook.


Sadness. You must feel overwhelming sadness that someone you never met who didn’t know you existed has died. That’s perfectly rational.


Anger. You will be angry at God for allowing a very old woman who lived a life of extreme privilege to die peacefully surrounded by her family, in a luxurious castle. How could He be so cruel?


Guilt. You must feel guilty that you’re still alive, while someone who was so much better than you has died, you insignificant turd.


Hopelessness. You must feel that you can’t possibly go on with your pathetic life now the Queen has gone. And why should you - what have you ever done to boost UK tourism?


Regret. You must regret that you haven’t lived your life as nobly as the Queen did, who was paid vast amounts of money to live in luxury and travel the world waving at people. So what if you’re a nurse, and raise money for charity in your spare time? You should be ashamed of yourself, you oxygen thief.


Depression. Being constantly bombarded by the media with images of people in mourning will make you feel depressed. Wallow in your depression - taking Prozac is not allowed.


Confusion. Things will change now the Queen has gone, so you’ll feel confused. Rest assured that no matter which monarch is on the money, you won’t have enough to live on, especially now the government needs to fund a state funeral and a coronation.


Bargaining. You must buy as much Queen Elizabeth memorial tat as you can get your dreadfully common hands on. Don’t be tempted to buy cheap items off the market - bargaining over such important artefacts would make your love of the Queen seem less sincere. You should buy the same crap for 20 times the price from the back of TV listings magazines.


Acceptance. While mourning for the Queen, you must accept that there is now a King, who also deserves your unconditional love. Demonstrate your dog-like adoration for him by shouting ‘God save the King’, every time you see his image, and by bulk buying Duchy Original biscuits from Waitrose, even though you can only normally afford to shop at Lidl.


image from pixabay



First published 12 Sep 2022


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All teams to wear black strip when football resumes



All Premier League and EFL teams will wear an all-black strip, whether they are at home or away, when football returns after the period of mourning for the Queen. A Premier League spokesperson said, 'We don't think this will lead to confusion as long as everyone plays by the rules.'


Referees will also be asked to wear the traditional black, and all players and officials will wear black armbands. All balls will be blackened when play resumes, and teams that can afford it will die their pitches black, hence the expression ‘pitch black’. All players will honour the passing of the Duke of Edinburgh by not taking the knee.


In the period of mourning, balls will be deflated to half full, as will holiday li-los and inflatable sex dolls. During the mourning period all footballers in Britain will forego sexy romps with three glamorous models in five-star hotel rooms that went tragically wrong. Meanwhile the cast of ‘Wagatha, the musical’ will take a week’s break during which Wayne Rooney, who plays himself, will re-rehearse all his dance numbers again.


Meanwhile, Lynne Truss, writer of the hit book about pandas ‘Eats, Shits and Leaves’ has unexpectedly become Prime Minister while the nation was distracted. She has apologised for the use in a press release of the phrase ‘Tax c*nts will save Britain’. A Downing Street Spokesperson explained to BBC News ‘This in no way refers to people who completely legally arrange their tax affairs offshore, so they keep most of their wealth, which somehow trickles down to poor people thus solving the economic crisis that has nothing whatsoever to do with Brexit, which the Queen definitely supported.’




First published 11 Sep 2022


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