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The fat b*stards guide to gaining weight while on a diet




Have you been told you need to lose some weight, but dread the misery of dieting? With this handy guide you can follow a diet, and still gain weight at the same time:


Buy low calorie snacks, then eat twice as many. Reduced calorie snacks are an easy way to treat yourself when you’re dieting. Unfortunately, they’re not as filling as the non-diet versions, but they only contain half the calories so it’s okay to eat twice as many.


Ignore stuff about portion sizes on food packaging. Instructions about how many portions are contained in a pack are completely unrealistic, and were obviously written by an anorexic. There's nothing wrong with eating a whole party sized Sara Lee chocolate gateau by yourself in one sitting.


Don’t count liquids as part of your diet plan. It stands to reason that drinks can’t contain calories, as they’re basically just water with a few added ingredients. So it’s okay to drink loads of alcohol, sugary fizzy drinks, full-fat milkshakes, and have 6 sugars in cups of tea and coffee.


Reward yourself for sticking to your diet. When you’ve been good and stuck to your diet all day, give yourself a reward. Eat a whole box of Mars ice creams and a family sized bag of Wotsits while you watch TV in the evening - you deserve a treat for sticking to your diet so faithfully.


Drive to the gym. If you’re trying to lose weight, you need to join a gym. Drive to the gym even though it’s only a 5-minute walk from your house, then get changed into your plus-sized exercise wear that you’ve never actually sweated in. Sit at the juice bar, and have a smoothie that probably contains more calories than a bucket of fried chicken. Then drive home again, knowing you’ve fulfilled your exercise quota for the day just by being at the gym for 20 minutes.


If you follow the above plan and find you’ve gained two stones in weight, just blame your scales, which obviously must be faulty.




First published 2 Sep 2022


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Bare-chested Putin Celebrates Victory Over Rogue Gorbachev Republic




Wild, spontaneous and not-at-all-choreographed celebrations have been breaking out in Russia, to celebrate the country’s victory over Gorbachev, the Kremlin-declared breakaway state accused of ‘going traitorously soft’ around the late eighties.


‘For decades we have sought to return this unstable region to the gentle bosom of Mother Russia, with negotiations and proportional incursions of heavily armed troops across its southern flanks,’ said an official spokesperson, waving a flag emblazoned with an hog-tied Gorbachev enthusiastically servicing Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and Satan. ‘This victory for morality vindicates the thousands of lives sacrificed in vain.’


A delighted Vladimir Putin, who in recent years had referred to Gorbachev only as ‘The Boy Wonder Who Must Not Be Named,’ pointing to the Coca-Cola splash mark on his forehead as evidence of slothful Western decadence, even went so far as to crack one of his trademark beaming scowls, causing several low-ranking Executive members to immediately soil themselves.


While plans continue for a victory parade of phallic-shaped weaponry through Red Square, wasting no opportunity, the Eternal Potentate has already been photographed bestriding Gorbachev’s broken nonagenarian body, sporting only a buttock-enhancing leather bondage harness and grinding an icon depicting David Hasselhoff dry-humping the Berlin Wall to dust between his manly teeth.




First published 1 Jul 2022


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Autumn TV schedules filled with political game shows





Do TV schedulers copy each other? It certainly seems that way, as the airwaves this autumn are filled with game shows that have a political twist.


Here is a quick rundown.


No Deal or No Deal - a game show that challenges contestants to fix the Northern Ireland protocol


Tipping Point - contestants win prizes by correctly guessing where raw sewage is being discharged, and in what quantity


Beat the Chaser - government ministers don't have to answer any questions, as long as they can stay ahead of the chaser. Dominic Cummings stars.


Who Wants to be a Millionaire - a quiz show for people who want to win government PPE contracts, often by phoning a friend


Tenable - a competition to find out which of the Tory leadership candidates are Number Ten-able


Total Wipeout - another competition to find the next Tory leader, but with the tantalising prospect of some serious injuries


Jeux sans Frontieres - England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Sark compete to be crowned European Champions


Insert Name Here - Sue Perkins leads the search for the next Tory leader

Changing Rooms - Keir Starmer has to redecorate 10 Downing Street with a budget of £4.50


Countdown - contestants try to guess the date of the next General Election

This is my House - Tory hopefuls try to convince Lord Sugar that they could live at Number 10


Two shows didn't make the cut. Political Naked Attraction was judged repulsive by focus groups and all tapes have been confiscated by party whips. And although pilot episodes of Political Pointless were filmed, they will not be aired because contestants found it far too easy to spot pointless policies.



First published 31 Aug 2022



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