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Next round of Tory Leadership battle to take place in the middle aisle of Aldi


Word from deep inside Conservative Party Central Office is that the next round of Tory Leadership Debates is to take place in the middle aisle of the Aldi supermarket in Gillingham.


Liz Truss, the Panda Pops Margaret Thatcher, the Travel-Iron Lady, will go up against Rushi Sunak, the illegitimate offspring of Mr Bean and that blue rat from that Pixar film, in what is said to be the Winner Takes All of Leadership Debates. Items on the agenda for discussion are believed to be: taking candy from babies, the flogging of dead horses and making the rich friends richer and their poor friends poorer.


A spokesperson for the Tories told our reporter: 'The middle aisle of the Aldi is the ideal location, in amongst the cassette players, the lawn darts, the welding kits, the socks with toes and the wetsuits that are just a little bit too small or too big. It's the ideal place to find something you didn't really want, something of dubious origin you don't really need, and which will be obsolete, forgotten and on the scrap heap in less than a year.'



First published 9 Aug 2022


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Downing Street hosepipes to be on all fuc*ing summer


With hosepipe bans in place and others on the way across the UK as the country experiences drought conditions. Those who don’t comply could face fines of up to £1,000.


In line with Downing Street’s adherence to other laws and regulations, water will be pumping out of Number 10’s hosepipes as long as a ban is in place.


'Yeah, fuck all that,' said Boris Johnson, who turned on seven hosepipes and three sprinkler systems at Number 10 before buggering off on holiday.


'All the Downing Street aides are thrilled because I’ve told them to have at it with the paddling pool. And the household staff are under strict instructions to water all the plants with a hose every single day – even the indoor ones.


“The Downing Street garden will be turned into a swamp while the rest of the country burns – if you’ve got a problem with that, call the fucking pigs!


“Oh, you don’t need to because they’re already posted on the front door. And guess what? They don’t give a shit.


'If you think I’ve behaved inappropriately then get Sue Gray to conduct an investigation. I’ll be long gone by the time she’s finished and I’ll just be able to claim that Liz Truss flooded the premises while trying to make ice cubes. Admit it - that’s totally believable.'


Former Chancellor Rishi Sunak said, “This is exactly the sort of unethical behaviour that forced me to resign. Still, we don’t have to worry about all that now.”


With that, he reached for a hosepipe and added some water to his whiskey.


story: chrisballard


First published 8 Aug 2022


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Authority warns Tory leadership that bar has been set so low, it is now an H&S issue




Following a series of politicians being rushed to hospital with broken bones, the Health and Safety Executive has been called in to investigate the Tory Leadership contest between Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak.


Their conclusion has been that a dangerously low bar that MPs have been tripping over is to blame and have urged government to erect barriers around it and install warning signs.


Tha hazard is expected to remain until September 5th, and sadly likely to continue indefinitely after that too.



First published 7 Aug 2022


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