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Authority warns Tory leadership that bar has been set so low, it is now an H&S issue




Following a series of politicians being rushed to hospital with broken bones, the Health and Safety Executive has been called in to investigate the Tory Leadership contest between Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak.


Their conclusion has been that a dangerously low bar that MPs have been tripping over is to blame and have urged government to erect barriers around it and install warning signs.


Tha hazard is expected to remain until September 5th, and sadly likely to continue indefinitely after that too.



First published 7 Aug 2022


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No-one actually wants a marrow




It’s the time of year when marrows happen at an alarming rate and keen gardeners attempt to pass on these firm green zeppelins to family, friends, neighbours and work colleagues, all of who have no interest whatsoever in cooking or eating a marrow but due to politeness rarely come straight out and say so.


The over seventies are the best hope of marrow disposalists. Upon receiving an unsolicited marrow they will utter phrases like “I haven’t seen one of these for years”, “Blimey! What a whopper!”, “You don’t get many of these to the pound!” or “This takes me right back, my mum used to stuff a marrow regular as clockwork”. Then the vastly swollen mega-courgettes lounge about on their kitchen worktops like deep green seals, frightening small children who’ve never eaten their bland flesh.


Non-marrow growing work colleagues opine that if marrow was a thing people wanted to eat it would be readily available in supermarkets because capitalism. Every year gardeners plant courgette plants because optimism, hoping that this is the year they’ll really get into the taste and keep a close enough watch that marrows won’t occur. But they do.


Allotmenteers share horror stories by the shed about the unholy uses to which the bloated vegetables have been put over the years, with old Bob’s face taking on a haunted expression as he warns younger growers that under no circumstances should they attempt to make marrow wine. Mrs Bob’s strategy is now to slice it and slip it under the sheets of a lasagne. She has also been known to make chocolate marrow cake, which is ninety percent as good as chocolate cake.



Image from Pixabay by barleyb:



First published 6 Aug 2023


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Truss launches ‘Hokey Cokey’ manifesto, briefly




You slap your pay freeze in

You whip your pay freeze out

In, out, in, out?

Flip flop all about

Piss off the public sector

And U-turn around

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s in a tizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Tone deaf

Off-key

Ra-ra-ra


You put your cheese deals in

Your pull your pork deals out

In, out, in, out?

Churn it all about

Sign some pointless trade deals

Deny they’ve bid you down

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, that Brie is fizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arse from

Elbow?

Ra-ra-ra


Campaign for EU: In

Reverse to EU: Out

In, out, in, out?

Call them Frogs and Krauts

Do whatever wins you

All the centre ground

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, spin-doctor busy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arm out

Salute

Ja-ja-ja


You drive your big tank in

Can’t find the exit out

In, out, in, out?

Wander aimlessly about

You do the walk of shame

Spinning round and round

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, that fit is hissy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

This way?

That way?

Ha-ha-ha!


The Lib Dems let you in

The Tories lure you out

In, out, in, out?

Flirt your way about

Yellow, blue or bloodied

Wave your flag around

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Just how loyal is she?

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Pants down

Arse kiss

Mwah-mwah-mwah


You promise spending up

You promise taxes down

Up, down, up, down?

What a fiscal clown

You’ll send inflation soaring

Living standards down

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s telling fibbies

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Morals bent

Truth stretched

Ra-ra-ra


You stick the dagger in

Leak the cartoon out

In, out, in, out-

Stab it all about

You slag off your opponent

Lose any moral ground

That’s what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s stabbing Rishi

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arm back

Knife in

Far-far-far


They’re going to vote her in?!

It’s going to be a rout?!

In, in, in, in-

Please be in no doubt

The country’s going up shit creek

With no paddles found

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, it’s getting schizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

I’m f*cked

You’re f*cked

Waa-waa-waa


[Repeat through tears, praying for sweet release]



First published 5 Aug 2022


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