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NHS surgeon fails to remove malignant tumour from Downing St



An NHS spokesman admitted today that treatment to remove an unsightly and embarrassing growth in Downing Street had been unsuccessful.


"This swelling is an unusual condition. It shares characteristics with a useless organ with no discernable purpose, such as an appendix, as well as a tumour which blocks and obstructs the proper function of all other tissues. In spite of the many problems associated with it, the patient, a Mr. U. Kaye, does not experience direct discomfort. Indeed, the growth itself appears to be completely devoid of all feeling.


"Overall, the body will continue to experience many adverse symptoms until the useless lump of gristle is removed. These include headaches, raging inflation, unsteadiness of economy, and an exaggerated allergic reaction to all foreign bodies.


"The primary discomfort for the patient stems from the location of the tumour. Unfortunately it is likely to remain a complete pain in the arse for the foreseeable future."



First published 21 June 2022



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Crimes by opposing MPs to cancel one another out



The House of Commons has a well-established established tradition of MPs ‘pairing’ – if they fancy a day off they can agree to bunk off together without affecting the outcome of any votes that day.


Under new proposals the scheme will be extended to actual crimes.


‘We didn’t think it was fair that Keir Starmer was allowed to have curry in Durham when poor Boris couldn’t even host a modest bacchanalian orgy’ sobbed one Tory. ‘OK, the dates didn’t match up so that one wasn’t, technically, a crime for Keir. All the same, we’d like some reciprocity on police investigations’.


Conservative MPs have long been keen on criminality, but with some justification.


‘The job doesn’t pay anywhere near what we’re worth’, one source told us. ‘Politicians in other countries do this far more efficiently than us. We just want to bring the UK up to Nigerian standards of governance. We call it Levelling Up’.


Labour have agreed to consider the proposals but draw the line at violence.


‘That’s a pity’ said one Conservative. ‘I quite fancied my hand at serial killing. Psychopathic tendencies, multiple residences, a job which doesn’t require one to actually turn up – it’s an almost perfect match’.





First published 20 June 2023



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New statute celebrating Brexit to be commissioned


Jacob Rees-Mogg todays announces that to celebrate the successes the UK is experiencing due to Brexit a new statue is to be commissioned.


Plans are underway to get the UKs leading artists to put together their proposals - provisionally the work will be entitled “We have fun, but we get things (Brexit) done” - and is to feature a smiling Boris Johnson raising a drink to the nation'.


'It'll be very similar to some of the images we have recently seen in Sue Gray’s fictional historical romp', continued Rees Mogg.


The statue will include a hat made entirely of bank notes, to symbolis the £350 million a week savings that the British people are able to enjoy as a result of Brexit. In addition there will be a 'Brexit flap' in the rear of his trousers so that his bare backside can be displayed at Europe on the hour, every hour, like a mooning cuckoo clock.


First published 19 June 2022



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