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Peter Hitchens to read CBeebies Bedtime Story




In an attempt to counteract perceived left wing bias at the BBC, the broadcaster today announced the recruitment of several prominent right wing voices to it’s autumn schedule.


Top of the list is the Mail’s Peter Hitchens, who will delight toddlers everywhere by reading his favourite childhood book, Geoffrey of Monmouth’s ‘Historia Regum Britanniae’ on the CBeebies Bedtime Story show.


Coventry based mum Sarah Withers was thrilled by the news ‘I’m so excited. My 2 year old loves reading Peter’s Mail on Sunday columns. Ok, when I say ‘reading’ I actually mean dribbling mashed banana over them and occasionally trying to eat the paper but I guess that’s still on a par with your average Mail reader.


Plus he’s obviously a bit of eye candy for the Mums so what’s not to like’


Jane Bradshaw, the BBC’s recently appointed Head of Placating Nadine Dorries confirmed the news at a press conference earlier today.


‘We’re so thrilled to have Peter on board. We’re sure his brand of Victorian misanthropy will go down a storm with the little ones.


And there’s more to come. We’ve also got ‘Nick and Tom in Da Bungalow’ where Nick Ferrari and Tom Harwood carry out a series of zany slapstick pranks while laying into the unions, Richard Littlejohn as the new voice of Tinky Winky and we can’t wait to see what Peter Bone does on Big Cook Little Cook’


Asked to comment on rumours that GB News’ Darren Grimes was the next big name to be recruited, Bradshaw replied. ‘Absolutely not, we do have some standards you know’



First published 15 June 2022



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Witch Hunt and Kangaroo Court to merge




It’s been announced today that a merger between the major phrases “Witch Hunt” and “Kangaroo Court” has been agreed.


The new phrase will be known as “Witch Court” or WC for short. According to one lexical analyst, 'This is a brand refresh that makes sense as the two target markets have almost completely overlapped.'


WC Vice President, Herman Utix, said, “This will save our customers time with the creation of one convenient idiom meaning “any investigation we don’t like”. Encouragingly, we’ve already heard it employed by some of our core users in relation to Trump, with people saying, “Witch Court this week?”.'


It’s believed that "Kangaroo Hunt" was also considered, but rejected owing to a possible legal ownership battle with opponents of UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer.


Some major users of both phrases were less than happy, however. One protester at the launch of the merger said, 'It’s not enough to steal your guns. These woke types are coming for your cliches now.'


First published 14 June 2023


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Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"




Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.


Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."



First published 13 June 2022



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