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First immigrants sent to Rwanda 'disappointed' flights are by Ryanair



Following weeks of desperate escape from war torn regions, and a terrifying encounter with Priti Patel after an 'interesting' journey across the English Channel, the first illegal immigrants, or refugees as they are sometimes referred as, have expressed 'deep regret' that they may now scheduled to fly to Rwanda by Ryanair.


'I can take the delays and the lousy airport food, but the 'upgrade' from a free seat to one with padding, arms, back and seat; the 'optional extra' for use of the indoor toilet in-flight for a surcharge, the charge for mediocre sandwiches at exorbitant prices and the mind boggling surcharges for one carry-on, two carry-ons or carry-ons with hold baggage that fail to address my handkerchief-tied-to-a stick luggage requirement,' said one of the first customers today. A spokesperson claiming to be from Ryanair said their pricing was fair and transparent, but insisted the length of the stick must not exceed 60cm, else a £20 - £40 surcharge will be payable, depending on the time of day.


Other travellers on the inaugural Rwanda flights are more pragmatic. 'It's a sh!t destination,' agreed one of them, 'but according to a spokesperson the nearest provincial airport to Kigali International Airport in Rwanda is Beauvais Tillé Airport in France, so I'll just hitch-hike back to Calais and jump on a li-lo,' he said.


image from pixabay


First published 9 June 2022



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Johnson in keeps Dorries out, admits intern



Top prize at a fairground hoop-la stall, Boris Johnson, has survived a parliamentary vote of no confidence due to 211 Conservative MPs believing that keeping a proven liar and law-breaker in power is a much better alternative than risking the slim possibility that less-astute-than-arse-crack-fluff Nadine Dorries could fill the void left by his departure.


In what is being seen as a stroke of Machiavellian genius the PM’s strategy team executed a faultless plan to ensure the raw sausage caterpillar remained leader. Over-privileged number 10 intern, Popson Grygg, explained: “Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so do most tory MPs, and there’s no vacuum more expansive and abhorrent than Nadine Dorries.


“We strategised a plan to unleash the secretary for DCMS before the no-confidence vote to scare the shit out of dissenters, suggesting that should Bojo go, Nadine could take over. The plan was easy: get Nadine fired-up with a bucket of prosecco, let her watch Top Gun 2, then allow her to squeeze a few spots on the PMs arse - she loves that. Then wheel her in front of the camera.


“She was f**king pyroclastic! Claiming: ‘we are at war with Ukraine’, suggesting party donors could withhold funding if Boris wasn’t backed, and tweeting that Jeremy Hunt’s ‘pandemic preparation during six years as health secretary was found wanting and inadequate’.


“Boom! It worked better than we could imagine. Nadine was catastrophically self-defeating. A with a majority of 63, the big dog is still top dog. Actually, to be perfectly honest, the PM didn’t have a lot to with the plan. He just lay still and let Nadine squeeze.”


image from pixabay


First published 8 June 2022


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Trifle Bowls Horrified At Being Returned To The Back Of The Cupboard



Glass trifle bowls were delighted last month at being retrieved from the darkest recesses of the kitchen and given a good soaping with Fairy Liquid or having the new experience of a go in a dishwasher, this not having been a thing when they were last used in the early 1980s. Freed from spending their time in the dark next to the once used burger press and the pasta machine they took a look about the kitchens they found themselves in and marvelled at the largeness of fridges. What, they asked themselves, is quinoa? And brioche?


The trifle bowls were expecting to be swiftly filled with the contents of a Bird’s Trifle Kit (available in strawberry or raspberry and it takes a very refined palate to tell the difference between the red flavours), with the potential addition of some fruit cocktail if the occasion was fancy. Instead they found themselves filled with lemon Swiss roll, unfamiliar amaretti biscuits, lemon jelly, orange compote (what is a compote? They wondered), real custard, actual whipped cream and white chocolate bark. They were also surprised to be very much the centre of attention, with trifle makers competitively claiming to have spent many hours assembling them (absolutely not necessary with the Bird’s Trifle Kit). This led trifle bowls across the nation to conclude that trifle is back on the menu and to expect to appear every Sunday, like in their glory days.


Then this morning, with the platinum jubilee being over and the trifle-mania ended, the clear pudding containers were horrified at being wiped round with a commemorative tea towel and pushed to the back of the cupboard again. They sighed and felt sure that the existence of the Bird’s Chocolate Trifle Kit had been overlooked by their owners.


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First published 7 June 2022



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