top of page
Search

#ColUmbro and #CherLochHomes - the next celebrity whodunnit trials revealed



As the WagathaChristie case comes towards an end, Tabloid sub-editors are already hoping for further pun-fest celebrity libel trials with a detective element to them and here at Newsbiscuit we can exclusively reveal the front runners:


#ColUmbro - Coleen Rooney is in the courtroom again, this time taking the mid-range sportswear manufacturer Umbro to court for allegedly producing cheap polyester-blend footy shirts that gave Wayne excessive nipple rub during his time playing for England. Evidence to be produced by Colleen in the witness box is thought to include 3 empty king-size jars of Vaseline


#LynamofDuty - Des Lynam is called back in to the BBC to face an AC-12 Ted Hastings style enquiry about historical anomalies in his expense claims during the Barcelona 1992 Olympics, thought to relate to a bowl of Patatas Bravas and a couple of pints of Cruzcampo shared with Barry Davies on Las Ramblas.


#CherLochHomes - Cher faces the witness box after becoming tied up in a Ponzi-scheme housebuilding scam. The Witches of Eastwick and Mamma Mia 2 star is found to have encouraged investors to part with over £2 million, supposedly to fund a holiday home development on the edge of Loch Lomond. If She Could Turn Back Time...


#PiqueBlinders - Gerard Pique, the gifted Barcelona FC Centre Back, has to do some defending of a different kind, after being accused of being the ringleader of a global venetian blind smuggling network. Using the famous Balkan Route through Afghanistan and Turkey into Europe, Pique is said to be responsible for nearly 80% of illegal blind imports, using county lines to tightly control supply of venetians, romans and those fancy shutters that everyone has nowadays.


#DefInParadise - there is Hysteria in the courtroom as Def Leppard appear in the witness box, to deny allegations of wearing overly tight stonewashed jeans and a dark black T-Shirt in the 35 degree heat of Guadeloupe.


#Gerrard-Depp-Heard-Hugh - Steven Gerrard walks into the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial by accident and encounters Hugh Grant, who is....er, that's enough celebrity court detective-style hashtags thanks. Newsbiscuit Eds.



First published 23 May 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














Government passes emergency law to prevent poor people inhaling calories off the top of cake



The government has acted swiftly and decisively on the number one priority facing Brits, by whipping the cream out of Tory MPs to pass emergency cake laws.


A government spokes-smirker announced almost solemnly, 'What we absolutely have to ensure is that poor people are not receiving free luxuriant aromas above their station. Even more than this, we simply can't have paupers inhaling calories they haven't paid for. Should a cake be so unfortunate as to find itself in the vicinity of a mendicant, it must be protected from having its heavenly ambience experienced.


'That is why this government has moved instantly to protect the rights of cakes and the owners of cakes. Any person of meagre means finding themselves able to smell cake, must immediately make their way to a place where only excrement can be smelt. Failure to do so will result in a £20,000 on-the-spot fine, even if they are wholly within their usual place of residence.


'And anyone suspected of inadvertently inhaling calories off the top of cake, must immediately return those calories, or have their nostrils expelled to Rwanda.


'Enquiries from the bothersome have sought to ascertain who we classify as poor people. It is clearly defined as all those not preferred for the government procurement VIP lane. Or as we like to call ourselves, The Circle of Thrust.'


First published 22 May 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














Piers Morgan going door to door trying to offend people



Amidst news that his flagship primetime talk show on TalkTV has now dropped to fewer than 24,000 viewers, talk show host and professional walk-off merchant (Check whether this is a typo - Ed.) Piers Morgan has now taken to calling on unsuspecting members of the public at home in a vain attempt to cause some confrontation and controversy.


Banging on doors in leafy St Albans, Morgan is prepared for any eventuality: carrying a case containing a steak baguette should a vegan answer; a Union Flag in case someone isn't looking forward to the upcoming jubilee; and a crucifix just in case he runs into Meghan Markle.


At his first house, Morgan draws a blank, meeting 89-year old Doris who remembers him from Good Morning Britain - and misses him on that - though she prefers Adil Ray who, 'speaks very nicely for a foreign.' However, at house number two he hits paydirt when the door is opened by Niall, a 36-year old freelance graphic designer, who has been working from home since the pandemic started. After a five minute rant about lazy millennials wanting it all, Morgan walks away puce-faced but satisfied someone has felt his wrath.


Speaking after the encounter, Niall remained upbeat, remarking, 'It was brief but kind of fun. I didn't even get a chance to tell him I'm pescatarian, or my pronouns are they/them, but I think he just needed to blow off some steam after being cooped up in that studio with only the crew to be angry towards. His producer gave me a release form to sign and reminded me to tune in tonight, but I think I'll stick to my repeats of Bake Off.'


Morgan says he plans to continue this one-man crusade to shock until his ratings recover. Failing that, he plans to increase the annoyance he can bring to Britain's doorsteps by becoming a Jehovah's Witness.



First published 21 May 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















bottom of page