An unusual garden problem

A householder is seeking advice regarding an unfamiliar problem with her lawn.  Following a night of heavy rain, her lawn has changed from its normal brown-coloured flat, level state and has suddenly begun to contain patches which have developed a strange shade of - well, almost some kind of green colour.  Even more odd, signs of a peculiar form of green, spiky growth has begun to occur in a few odd, isolated places.

However, an expert has advised her that this is not all that unusual, and often happens with lawns which have come into contact with water or even any kind of moisture, especially if the lawn has also been exposed to sunshine at any stage.  The problem will apparently eventually cure itself once all the moisture has disappeared, although it might be quite a long wait before this occurs again.

 He has warned her that in the meantime this green-coloured growth problem could get worse, and might need to be suppressed using an unfamiliar device called a 'lawn mower'.  These are apparently available from many garden centres and DIY outlets, or may even be available second-hand from a householder who has uncovered one in the back of their garden shed, and doesn't recognise what it is.

The problem is also likely to get worse as the seasons gradually move towards Britain's cold, rainy season, following Britain's cool, rainy season - or towards 'winter' from 'summer'.  

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Trump throws a sickie

The White House has published a note, apparently written by the President's mum, keeping Trump off work for another day.

'Donald has a poorly tum and his bone spurs are playing up,' says the note.  'Plus, some naughty boys in the press corps keep shouting names at him.  Names like Epstein and Andrew.'

The note concludes that 'Donald will be back at work once a full pardon is announced.'

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Panic as Trump says he's entering his 'Final Form'

Scenes of panic and fear gripped the White House, and the watching US public, as Donald Trump delivered a terrifying vision of the future, yesterday. After the press conference commenced, Mr Trump suddenly seemed to hover a foot above the floor whilst screaming then ripped off his suit jacket and shirt revealing the dark discolouring on his hand seeming to rapidly grow up his arm and across his body.

As this happened, he began, in his usual tone, 'witness pitiful mortals, and you really are pitiful, everyone is saying it, as I enter my final vengeful form. It's a fantastic form, some people are saying it's the best form they've ever witnessed. I may get nominated for a Nobel Final Form Prize, we don't know yet. But whatever happens, we're going to get you, you can't hide. I'm the best seeker. Now, the countdown to your firing begins."

With this he suddenly spouted leathery, blackened wings and, with a fiery flourish, smashed through the Press Room window and was last seen perched atop the Washington Monument eyeing Hispanic passers-by.

The US Vice President, JD Vance, said, 'as usual our President shows us the way forward. We will be introducing legislation soon to encourage everyone to reach their demonic final form or be deported to the desperate pits of hell….' The conference was then interrupted by hellish screams coming from Washington Plaza. The President's team made a speedy retreat to confer on next steps.

This is a breaking story, more soon….

Image credit: perchance.org