"On the fifth strike of Xmas, my surgeon withheld from me..."
"Five swollen things!!!
Four colonoscopies, Three French enemas, Two tonsil removals (-done with surgical gloves)
And one partial hip replacement in a pear-shaped knee!"
Image: Engin_Akyurt - Pixabay
"The last chairman of the Office of Budget Responsibility had to go for being very irresponsible and not agreeing with me," said chancellor Rachel Reeves, stamping her foot and sounding like Queenie in Black Adder.
"He refused to tell people that my policies for growing the economy were working and making Britain rich, traitorously arguing that the figures weren't showing that.
"This is despite me launching sure-fire policies such as: taxing people more so they have less to spend in the shops or invest in their businesses, wishing upon a star and drawing pentangles on the floor, not to mention panicking the City by sacking the head of the OBR.
"To mark a new beginning," continued Reeves, flourishing a sceptre, "I have appointed my pet hamster, Black Wednesday, to be the new OBR chief. He's the only creature in the country guaranteed not to ask awkward questions when I spell out my wonderful economic quickfixes."
"Black Wednesday will be a perfect fit for this government," chuckled a Man in Red Braces in a City dealing room as his colleagues sold off UK government bonds by the tanker-load.
"It runs very fast on a treadmill getting nowhere, and it's been busy storing up provisions to face the really appalling times that we will all be living through under this useless government very soon indeed."
Image: mordilla-net - Pixabay
"We've entrusted the BBC's governors to oversee our defence against President Trump's libel suit," said a spokes-antenna for the corporation, "and that almost definitely means we'll lose the case and have to pay him a fortune.
"With that in mind," continued the spokes-cheque, "we're replacing our regular TV schedule with an exciting new economy line of programmes.
"East Enders will be replaced with Ceased Enders, where viewers can watch scene shifters take apart the set on Albert Square so it can be flogged to Sky.
"Top Gearbox will see the madcap team go to a Unipart warehouse to compare gearboxes for price and quality.
"There'll be Dr Who Can Lend Us A Fiver and our new charity fundraiser, Corporation in Need.
"And every day we'll be screening an exhilarating new psycho-drama called Transmisson Test Card, featuring a girl playing noughts and crosses with a weird clown doll.
"We're expecting the whole of Britain to be riveted to their screens, waiting for him to come to life and draw a nought.
Unfortunately, we can't brg you any more examples of new cut price programmes because we've just laid off everyone in our comedy writing team.
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