Those BBC programme cutbacks in full

"We've entrusted the BBC's governors to oversee our defence against President Trump's libel suit," said a spokes-antenna for the corporation, "and that almost definitely means we'll lose the case and have to pay him a fortune.

"With that in mind," continued the spokes-cheque, "we're replacing our regular TV schedule with an exciting new economy line of programmes.

"East Enders will be replaced with Ceased Enders, where viewers can watch scene shifters take apart the set on Albert Square so it can be flogged to Sky.

"Top Gearbox will see the madcap team go to a Unipart warehouse to compare gearboxes for price and quality.

"There'll be Dr Who Can Lend Us A Fiver and our new charity fundraiser, Corporation in Need.

"And every day we'll be screening an exhilarating new psycho-drama called Transmisson Test Card, featuring a girl playing noughts and crosses with a weird clown doll.

"We're expecting the whole of Britain to be riveted to their screens, waiting for him to come to life and draw a nought.

Unfortunately, we can't brg you any more examples of new cut price programmes because we've just laid off everyone in our comedy writing team.

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